You lucky bastards. You must have been really good to deserve another sock drawer post already. Like, you must have totally signed up at BlogCatalog and gave my blog glowing reviews and stuff. You guys rock! If you keep this up, pretty soon this is going to be the number one mattress-related blog on BlogCatalog. Foam Mattress Central, you are going down!
I bet it's particularly bad for Neil Armstrong. His wife is probably like, "We can put a man on the moon, but just try to get him to separate his whites from his colors." And Neil Armstrong is like, "Baby, all I did is climb a ladder. The dudes at mission control took care of everything else." And his wife is like, "Yeah, you couldn't even get your one historic line right." And Neil Armstrong is like, "What does woman mean? Man said line perfect!"
I'm always impressed with the knots that people tie in movies when they hang themselves. No matter how screwed up they are, they always manage to tie a perfect noose knot. And I don't think they teach that one in the Boy Scouts. It makes me wonder how many times these people have done it before.
er a bunch of them at a discount and let you have them basically at cost. There seemed to be enough interest to justify ordering another shipment, so I went ahead and ordered another batch.
I saw a display at Barnes & Noble recently of "16 month calendars." That's a great idea, isn't it? Now you only have to buy a calendar once every 1.33 years. I mean, assuming that somebody comes out with calendars that start with May. I guess that's how they get you.
If you think I come up with some crazy stuff while I'm awake, you should hear my dreams.
me. I can't recall the details of any of the dreams. They seemed to be basically photo ops for the ex-presidents.
“Cast it into the Crack of Mount Doom, you fool!” I howled at my Nazgul minion. Then I burst into a fit of giggles, because I can’t say “Crack of Mount Doom” without laughing. Grundir tolerates this with admirable aplomb. Being dead for 900 years gives you a certain amount of patience.
“Brilliant! I shall give the masses Ten Tips on Writing a Funny Blog Post.”
“Of course not. You’re a 900 year old medieval jerkwad who sold his soul for something shiny. And finally, point nine: Always leave the reader wanting more. Now slap the Mattress Police seal on that baby and send it back to Diggs. We’ll show him what a real blogging insignia looks like. No sperm for us!”
A lot of reviewers responded with the acronym “RTFM,” which stands for Read the F___ing Manual. Right. Because whenever you borrow a friend’s car, the first thing you do is crack open the manual and spend half an hour familiarizing yourself with the climate control system. Look, if the average person (not to mention an idiot like myself) has to read a manual to turn on a car’s AC, then the car’s AC controls are too complicated. Period. Whether or not I’m a “douchebag” isn’t really relevant.
6/30/06
Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the Jedi
Dear Mr. Cloudhammer,
As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.
As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.
I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi material" if you take the time to meet me in person. I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
Best Regards,
Kenny Skywalker
P.S. I forgot to mention that I can type 40 words per minute and levitate small objects with my mind.
P.P.S. Not to name-drop, but in case you're wondering, Luke is my second cousin.
8/21/06
Heinous Vlaak, Personnel Director, Order of the Sith
Dear Mr. Vlaak,
I recently graduated from the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences and was interested to learn of the part time Tractor Field Operator position that was recently posted on the Sith website. I have long been intrigued by the shadowy workings of the Sith, and have recently begun to consider a career in the service of the Empire.
As my enclosed resume indicates, I am an above average student, but I think that the highly structured nature of the Tatooine Academy prevented me from reaching my true potential, as I am something of an "outside the box" thinker. It's true that my experience with the Dark Side is limited, but my current job at the Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina requires that I be very assertive with droids and others whose kind we don't serve. I am also led to believe that my destiny lies with the Dark Side by my co-workers' frequent reminders that I'm "really not a people person."
I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you.
In Your Service,
Kenneth Skywalker (No relation)
P.S. I once pantsed a Jawa, which is considered pretty evil around here. I am also good with Excel.
9/29/06
Boba Fett, Proprietor, Fett Investigations, Bounty Hunter and Polygraph Service
Dear Mr. Fett,
Boy, are you hard to track down! I got your contact information from a mutual acquaintance who indicated that you may have an opening for a henchmen/tough. I know that with my B.A. in Force Theory I may seem overqualified for this position, but I've decided that I'm more interested in a life of adventure than a stable job with a reputable organization at this point in my career. I've dealt with my share of rough characters at my current job at Mos Eisley Spaceport Cantina and my neighborhood is pretty regularly terrorized by Tusken Raiders, so I don't think I'll have much trouble adjusting to the life of a bounty hunter. Please contact me as soon as is convenient for you, because I'm anxious to get started!
Sincerely,
Ken Skywalker
P.S. In case you're concerned about my academic background, I only attended the Tatooine Academy to get my parents off my back. Trust me when I say that I have learned that hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
11/4/06
Jabba the Hutt, C.E.O., Hutt Enterprises, Inc.
Dear Mr. Hutt,
I recently learned of an opening with your crime syndicate here on Tatooine. I'm not sure what the job entails exactly, but I think I'm up for just about anything after working as the Assistant Manager of the Mos Eisley Cantina Spaceport. Since I was put in charge of marketing, we were named 2nd runner up for "Most Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy" by the Imperial Travel Bureau. Although I've never killed anyone myself, I am often expected to clean up the charred corpses of bounty hunters and other scoundrels, and I think I'm becoming rather inured to the spectacle of mutilation and manslaughter.
I know I probably don't fit the typical profile of your applicants, but I think that if you give me a chance you won't be disappointed. All I'm asking for is a chance.
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Ken S.
P.S. I don't need health insurance and I don't mind sleeping on the floor or whatever.
12/27/06
Dear Uncle Skip,
Do you still own that Chili's in the Dagobah system?
Your loving nephew,
Kenny
Also, if Jesus were elected President, you'd have the dicey matter of the Constitutional order of succession. What if Jesus was betrayed by His Secretary of the Treasury and assassinated by the Romans? Would Obama be sworn in immediately, or would we have to wait for three days to see if Jesus snapped out of it? Can you still be President after you've been legally dead for three days? Man, if only John Kerry had been elected, we'd have a solid precedent.
smiley if you like a post, or the 
smiley if you don't like a post. Posts are listed in order by the number of 
In junior high, Sellers and I used to trade bizarre stories about Dr. Weird (my alter ego) and Dr. Strange (Sellers' alter ego -- no relation to the Marvel comics character). Sellers would write a Dr. Strange story in which Dr. Weird played some part, and then I would write a Dr. Weird story, using that incident as a jumping off point. Dr. Strange would then show up at some point in my story, and Sellers would incorporate that into his next installment. In this way, we developed a sort of semi-unified narrative, our characters inhabiting the same universe, like Daredevil and Spider-Man. Of course, in my stories, Dr. Weird was always the hero, and in Sellers' stories, it was Dr. Strange.
So when Seller's responded to my rebuttal to some of his recollections in 
into the decision to stick something like that on one's car. First off, why the fish? I mean, I know it's an ancient Christian symbol, but hey, guess what, so is the 
meant. So it was a way for Christians to 
It also confuses me when the fish symbol has to share real estate on the back of the car with other symbols. What does it mean when you have the fish insignia along with an "I'd rather be golfing" license plate frame and a bumper sticker that says "I (heart) my Labrador"? What's the order of precedence there? Golf, Jesus, Labrador? Is it significant that directly across from the fish symbol there's a Toyota symbol? And has anyone else noticed how satanic the Toyota logo looks in that context?
began to wonder if my lone Jesus was going to be sufficient.
igger fish eating the Darwin fish. Because, friends, that's really what the Gospel is all about: the ultimate devouring of science by the giant, horrific Jesus-Fish.