A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 2976781442263267101 Caption Contest: Project Runway 2008/07/#2976781442263267101 2008-07-25 As a paragon of manliness, I cannot admit to ever willingly having watched Project Runway. Even the presence of megababe Heidi Klum cannot balance out the unprecedented gayosity of that show. Still, here I am with a couple of the early contestants, expressing something about something.

Project Runway

You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. I'll post the ten best ones in a poll on Tuesday. The winner will get to display the In Your Face award, and MIGHT get a copy of my book, IF there are any copies left. (Did I mention that today is your last chance to buy one for $9.95?)

I'm trying out a new word verification thingy in my commenting app, so let me know if it gives you any trouble. You can email me at diesel --at-- mattresspolice.com.

Make it work!


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]]> 183681462489131229 Caption Contest: Hellboy 2008/07/#183681462489131229 2008-07-11

Check out this picture I found of me hanging out with Hellboy and his buddy Abe Sapien. Why, it practically screams for a caption contest.

Hellboy

You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our faves, which will be posted in a poll next Tuesday. The ultimate winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, if I can dig up another copy somewhere.

Have fun. I'll be back with a wondrous new post on Monday.


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]]> 2445633862236489714 Caption Contest: Sex and the City 2008/06/#2445633862236489714 2008-06-20

You know the rules. Submit your caption in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our ten favorites and post them in a poll on Tuesday. The winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police.

I've also started listing the current contest standings over on the right (below the Recent Inspectors). My record keeping leaves something to be desired, so let me know if I missed you or got your total number of wins wrong.

See you on Monday!

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]]> 5476333376266757336 Congrats to Stushie! 2008/05/#5476333376266757336 2008-05-23

Repeat winners Brad and Joel were both denied satisfaction this round, with Stushie taking the prize.

Joel came in second with:

All together now, kids: "Shot through the heart! And you're to blame..."

And Brad landed in third with:

Due to the inevitable lawsuit, Diesel Day Camp was a short lived endeavor.

Congrats, guys. Stushie, send me your address and I'll get your book in the mail. Email me at diesel [at] mattresspolice.com.

See you back here for a post that will unite the world in their collective hatred for me.

Am I #3 on humor-blogs.com yet?

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]]> 1809366034558407665 Vote! 2008/05/#1809366034558407665 2008-05-20 Alrighty, folks. Here are the captions. Choose wisely. I will post the results on Friday. Remember, the winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. And yes, Brad, one of these days I will mail your copy out as well.









Joel Bezaire said...

All together now, kids: "Shot through the heart! And you're to blame..."


Brad said...

Due to the inevitable lawsuit, Diesel Day Camp was a short lived endeavor.


Poke said...

In Narnia, no one can hear Diesel scream.


Dave said...

Hey, didn't I make that quiver last night?


stushie said...

The first time that you see a hobbit in Narnia, shoot to kill, Susan.


y not i said...

Your bow and arrow doesn't scare me. Look behind you. There's a giant version of myself with a gun. HA!


Brad "Wombat" Randall said...

This was to be the last movie job ever for the assistant who miscast the stand-in for Lucy Pevensie.


Barry Nong said...

Hey! Can you play the theme from Deliverance on that?


Candace said...

Diesel: Now this is a longbow, not a crossbow, so you're going to get 2 shots off every round. Right, now does everyone remember their initiative numbers?


zcreep said...

Bow and Arrow Technical Support recommends pointing the sharp end towards the men dressed in period attire.


Opinion Polls & Market Research

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]]> 4483825749617975851 Caption Contest: Prince Caspian 2008/05/#4483825749617975851 2008-05-16

You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I will post the top 10 in a poll on Tuesday. The winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. Have fun!

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 2688932066809379170 Vote! 2008/05/#2688932066809379170 2008-05-06 Ok, folks, here are the top ten. I forgot to mention it when I posted the pic, but I will be giving away a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary to the winner. Vote wisely!

And while you're in a voting mood, head over to Crummy Church Signs and vote for my comment. I'm not going to win, but if a few of you vote for me I will be spared the humiliation of coming in dead last.

Also, would it kill you to click this link? I've fallen to number ten on my own blog directory. Talk about humiliating. I'm now officially below something called "Foundshit." Come on people, help me out here.

The captions...

Alice said...

Sorry Hulk, but the frozen food gig's been filled.


Brad said...

Another eHarmony.com success story...


Glacial Spain said...

Big Green Guy - or Tiny Diesel? You be the judge


Lonie Polony said...

"Okay, I'll give you ten bucks for it, but that's my final offer. We're a scrap metal yard, not a charity."


y not i said...

Yes, yes. It's impressive that you can make a tank into the shape of a donkey's head. But my daughter wanted someone who could do BALLOON animals at her birthday party.


Kelley said...

As the Hulk disrobed for his love scene with Diesel, Ang Lee got the inspiration for the title of next movie - Broken Back Mounting.


Sparrow said...

Diesel realized that getting the Hulk to become a Scientologist was not going to be as easy as Travolta claimed.


Poke said...

I'm just a man, standing in front of a Hulk, asking it to love him.


Bex said...

Hulk: I wish I knew how to quit you.


Sue Wilkey said...

Now, Hulk, be a good boy and go put Arkansas back.


Opinion Polls & Market Research



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]]> 7724808274468242021 Caption Contest: The Hulk 2008/05/#7724808274468242021 2008-05-02 You have to feel a little bad for Ang Lee. He's a respected director who did his best to make a decent superhero movie. Sadly, no one told him that when you're making a movie called The Hulk, you shouldn't make the audience wait 40 minutes before they see the Hulk. Mrs. Diesel and I made the mistake of seeing The Hulk at a matinee; by the time the Hulk started doing interesting stuff like bounding through the desert and biting the heads off missiles and spitting them at helicopters, the theater had been overrun by middle-schoolers who were bored out of their minds after the seventeenth lingering shot of moss on a rock.

So now they're pulling a Batman Begins and making another Hulk movie, pretending that the last one never happened. How do you think that makes Ang Lee feel? (And don't say, "anglee," because you wouldn't like him when he's anglee.) Even I Know What You Did Last Summer evidently warrants two sequels (the last one being called -- no joke -- I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer). But The Hulk was such a mess that they're calling a do-over, only five years after the first one came out. At least Ang Lee was smart enough to make his next movie about gay cowboys, so that there would be absolutely no chance of any audience overlap.

Anyway, you know where this is going. That's me with the big green guy. Submit your captions in the comments. The lovely and pensive Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post a poll on Tuesday. Have fun!



I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that's so awesome that you'll forget all about how lame this blog has been lately.


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]]> 2278126096066969781 Congrats, Joel! 2008/04/#2278126096066969781 2008-04-25

Crummy Joel took top honors this week. I think this is his third win, which ties him with Brad for most wins. Joel already has my book because he's a smart guy who know quality humor writing when he sees it, but maybe I'll send him another t-shirt. What? You didn't know there were Mattress Police t-shirts? I guess I should add that link back to my template.



Here's your award, Joel.



McCafferty Himself took second with:
Diesel is crushed that Travolta avoids making eye contact the morning after their special night together.
And newcomer EZ came in third:
Double forehead and bad hair? With a package like that, she won't even notice!!
Thanks for playing, everybody.

I should have some time this weekend to fix all the crap that's been breaking around here and Humor-Blogs.com. And maybe, just maybe, even write an actual post or two.

Have a great weekend.

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]]> 1028409446597082885 Vote! 2008/04/#1028409446597082885 2008-04-22

Ok, folks, here are the finalists. I just got home and I'm pretty freaking exhausted, so hopefully I don't wake up tomorrow morning and realize I picked 10 lame-ass captions.

Although if the other choice is not waking up, then I guess I'd go with the first option.

Did I mention I'm really tired?


Saint Schizophrenia said...

Diesel finds out exactly how seriously Scientologists take their zero-tolerance stance on anti-depressants.


Jay said...

"Hey guys! Heading to the Bob Marley concert?"


stushie said...

Twenty five years later, Travolta's Saturday Night Fever had mutated into an interplanetary epidemic.


CrummyJoel said...

Diesel would later realize that this was the least weird part of the Scientology recruitment tour.


Brad said...

"Tom! Kirstie! We got another one!"


Pablo said...

The aliens from the planet Lasiks made all who wear glasses into second class citizens. Diesel just liked the attention.


McCafferty Himself said...

Diesel is crushed that Travolta avoids making eye contact the morning after their special night together.


Mark Jabo said...

Diesel: I'm just saying...these hairstyles aren't going to help Scientology shed its image as a bat-sh*t crazy cult.


EZ said...

Double forehead and bad hair? With a package like that, she won't even notice!!


Bunk said...

"C'mon! Sing with me! 'OOgachaca! OOga OOga OOga OOgachaca!' C'mon guys, you know the words..."

Opinion Polls & Market Research



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]]> 2655221105088543331 Caption Contest: Battlefield Earth 2008/04/#2655221105088543331 2008-04-18

Ok, I think I've gotten a handle on my recent technical difficulties. Apparently the Humor-Blogs.com site and this one were both hacked. The hacker put a bit of code in a hidden frame on the site that would make a call to another website, prompting you to download some sort of executable file, which was probably a virus.

I have removed the malicious code on both sites and alerted my hosting company who, 5+ hours after my initial email this morning, still have not responded. Good show, guys!

I will be posting a more detailed message on Humor-Blogs.com later today.

So, with that out of the way, we can get on to the caption contest for this week. Since I've already done Iron Man and Batman Begins, I was a little short on material this week. Once again, I had to go back to one of the classics. This time I picked Battlefield Earth, the 2000 sci-fi epic starring John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker. That's me with them in the pic.



You know how this works. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post the top 10 in a poll on Tuesday. The winner will be announced next Friday. As always, the winner will receive the coveted In Your Face Award, as well as a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary.

Have fun, and good luck!

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 6184221173708788336 Congrats, Kadi! 2008/04/#6184221173708788336 2008-04-11

There was a firestorm of controversy regarding this week's caption contest. Why does controversy always come in firestorms? Has there ever been a thunderstorm of controversy? A sandstorm of controversy?

The controversy revolved, tornado-like, around the question of how much shameless self-promotion is appropriate when competing in this little contest. So let me clear this up, once and for all: If you win, you've done about the right amount.

Kadi did about the right amount this week. Actually, she was fairly restrained this time around, which evidently got her the self-deprecation vote. Nicely played, Kadi! You win a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. Send me your address and I'll get it in the mail to you.

You also get the coveted In Your Face Award. Again.




Bee took second place, with:
Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.
And the bitterest of good sports, stushie, took third:
Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwarf that's clinging to my right shoulder.

Have a great weekend, everybody. Especially those of you meeting Bossy in San Francisco tonight. It looks like I won't make it, what with work and a bad cold kicking my ass this week, but I'm sure you'll carry on without me.

I'll be back on Monday with a post in which the author of that "Footprints" poem gets buried alive under a mountain of Precious Moments figurines.

But not really.

But maybe.


Humor-blogs.com once stood by while a family of chipmunks perished in a firestorm of controversy.

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]]> 349675405512327991 Vote! 2008/04/#349675405512327991 2008-04-08 Sorry for the delay in getting this posted. Minor annoyances like work continue to get in the way of my all-important blogging duties. Remember, the winner gets a copy of Antisocial Commentary, so vote wisely!


Bee said...

Trimming my fingernails with your teeth shows your loyalty to the family.

Jami said...

"You're soaking in it."

Avitable said...

Unfortunately, Diesel misunderstood and made the man an auger he couldn't refuse.

Wendy said...

With the fifth goon that week stuck to his ring, Don Diesel reconsiders his choice of bling.

Sparrow said...

Don Diesel took great pleasure in this final humiliation of his arch-enemy, Lord Monkeyhands.

Mark said...

"No," said the Don. "That's not the ring I wanted you to kiss."

renalfailure said...

Your lips say "yes" but your scalp says "let's just be friends."

Kadi said...

No disrespect, Don, but if I am to be your right hand man... perhaps you should start wiping with your left.

stushie said...

Your first task, Luigi, will be to shoot the James Caan dwarf that's clinging to my right shoulder.

Annie said...

Yeah, the second hand is just jumping in place. I think you're right, your battery's shot.


Opinion Polls & Market Research



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]]> 4254080230287352682 Caption Contest: The Godfather 2008/04/#4254080230287352682 2008-04-04 Finding little inspiration in the current crop of movies and TV shows, I have once again gone back to the classics for the caption contest.



You know the rules. Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites, and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Since I still have a few copies of my book lying around, I will give a free copy of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to the winner.

Have fun!


Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 8263008779171688234 Congrats to Renal Failure! 2008/03/#8263008779171688234 2008-03-28

Renal Failure wins this week, taking home the coveted In Your Face award:



Seriously, stop coveting it, people. It's in the Bible.

R.F. also gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. R.F., send me an email with your address so's I can ship it to you.

Newcomer Avitable came in second, with:
Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.
And Jay took third, with:
Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this look so easy."
Good job, people. Take the rest of the week off, starting at 5pm today.

I'll be back on Monday with a brand new post that probably won't be good enough to make up for what a crappy job I've done this week.


Humor-blogs.com is up to its chin in neck.

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]]> 8461998484247634141 Vote! 2008/03/#8461998484247634141 2008-03-25 If I keep posting later and later in the day, eventually I'll be posting really early the next day, so you have that to look forward to.

The picture kind of sucked this week too. Usually I do the picture the day before, so that I can look at it fresh before posting it. That gives me a chance to catch things that don't look quite right, like my complete lack of a neck. I was too rushed to do it right this time, but hey, that gave you one more thing to make fun of me for.

Mrs. Diesel picked the finalists this week, so at least you can't blame me for that.

And remember, this week the winner gets a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, just for funsies. So that should make up for me being such a lame-ass, right? Right.

Vote for your favorite below. I'll post the winner on Friday.



Fold My Laundry Please said...

Diesel laments the fact that Natalie could not afford to have shoulders sewn on
her dress.


renalfailure said...

Diesel caresses that which he has always desired: an actual neck.


Mark Jabo said...

"I don't know, I've never done LXIX before..."


sarah said...

Diesel thinks to himself - Is this the Boleyn girl or the other Boleyn girl?


Jay said...

Diesel: "Wait... Let me try one more time. Spock makes this look so easy."


ArmadilloTrader said...

One step closer to fulfilling his Bride of Frankenstein fantasy, Diesel says to
himself "and the bolts will go right about here."


Wendy said...

Donning his prototype of the first ever transition glasses, King Diesel
realized too late he groped the wrong sister.


Avitable said...

Diesel slowly works up the nerve to ask for the number of the Boleyn Brother.


stushie said...

By eliminating the competition, Diesel was crowned Prom Queen of 1536.


red mojo said...

King Diesel, preferring this much softer skin to that of his betrothed, began to ponder the possiblility of swapping their heads.




Opinion Polls & Market Research


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]]> 844313666621192444 Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl 2008/03/#844313666621192444 2008-03-21 I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.

I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.



A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer lint.

Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun, and good luck!

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 3669671390816342672 Iron Man Caption Contest Winners 2008/03/#3669671390816342672 2008-03-14

In a truly historic turn of events, Brad won the contest two times in a row, for a total of three wins! I even had to make a special banner for him:



In second place was newcomer Jenny, Bloggess, with:
The vasectomy was difficult but a success. There would be no more toaster-related paternity suits in Iron Man's future.
And Barry took third with:
"Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"
I also have to give a special nod to three contestants for Most Obscure Mattress Police Reference. If you get all three of these references, you definitely need to get out more:

carolinebender:
"Frankly, building lawn mowers sounds like a pain in the ass, so how about if I spend an extra three weeks and build a machine that builds lawn mowers?"
stushie:
Sadly, Diesel forgot the fatal difference between building a cyborg, instead of an android.
Deb on the Rocks:
Tentacle porn soon led to more hardcore stuff for the once-innocent lad Diesel.

Thanks for participating, everybody. Have an Ironic end to a Manic week.


Humor-blogs.com is now 99.4% tentacle porn free!

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]]> 6022714409872444549 Vote! 2008/03/#6022714409872444549 2008-03-11 Man, it's getting tough to pick the finalists for these. I did my best. Vote for your favorite below. And don't forget to check out the Clay Pigeon humor magazine when you're done.



Brad said...

Factoring in parts and labor, this was going to be the most expensive date Diesel had ever had.

Barry said...

"Hey c'mon Diesel! You said it was just going to be a bit of spanking and back to the script! Hey! Can you hear me? Look I'm using the safety word! Spaghetti!! Spaghetti!!"

ArmadilloTrader said...

"Diesel, I don't want to be lonely. Don't forget to make 'Iron Dog' when you're done."

Joel Bezaire said...

Dude, why are your hands always so damn cold?!?

.45 said...

"I think I'll give him a little something extra to satisfy the Iron Maiden."

stushie said...

Diesel realized he had drunk one too many when he was caught trying to milk Iron Man.

Jay said...

"Dang it! I never can remember which metric tools correspond with with standard tools. Curse me for buying a foreign car!"

Theresa said...

"You know, if you upgrade to stainless steel you won't keep having all these rust problems."

Jenny, Bloggess said...

The vasectomy was difficult but a success. There would be no more toaster-related paternity suits in Iron Man's future.

Deb on the Rocks said...

Diesel, next time YOU are the naughty cyborg and I'm the tool.


Opinion Polls & Market Research



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]]> 805308250088248174 Caption Contest: Iron Man! 2008/03/#805308250088248174 2008-03-07

In case you're new around here, that's me fiddling around with Iron Man's torso. Submit your captions in the comments. I'll post the best ones in a poll on Tuesday.

Have fun and have a super weekend.

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