A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 8978857890161267781 Last Chance! 2008/07/#8978857890161267781 2008-07-22

A while back I asked whether anyone would be interested in buying a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary, for $9.95. The regular price is $11.95 plus shipping, but occasionally I'll order a bunch of them at a discount and let you have them basically at cost. There seemed to be enough interest to justify ordering another shipment, so I went ahead and ordered another batch.

I have to manually ship them all out, so I kinda want to do this all at once. You have until this Friday, July 25, to order your copy at $9.95 with free shipping. After that, it goes back up to $11.95 + $3.00 shipping. This is probably the last time I'm going to do this, and there's a pretty good chance I'm going to stop giving out copies as caption contest prizes too. If I'm going to continue to deduct all my website related costs as "business-related," I need to at least pretend that I'm actually trying to make money.

If you're interested, click on this button:

Buy Now

Don't use the link on my sidebar, because that will charge you the regular price.

If you've followed this blog for a while, you pretty much know what to expect from my book, but here are some excerpts to help you make an informed decision. I cover such topics as...

...how I came to be...

I have Woodstock to thank for my conception. My dad walked up to my mom, who was sitting on a blanket in the sun with flowers in her hair, and said, “Hey, are you done with that newspaper? I haven’t read today’s Peanuts. I love Snoopy’s little bird friend.” Well, it turned out that my mom hadn’t read it either, so there they sat, taking their break on a dumpster behind DOW chemical’s Agent Orange plant, reading Peanuts together. My mom took the vowels and my dad took the consonants, and just like that, it was love. Which was a good thing, because they had been married for six years.

...my positions on important issues...

I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and “the Heebie Jeebies.” I don’t think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too.

-----------------

...traveling with the family...

We pulled in at a suitably crummy motel called the Aloha – presumably because for any sane person pulling into this place, hello would also be goodbye. If there was a Hawaiian theme, I didn’t notice – unless the toilets in Hawaii make a horrific screeching sound that sounds like a hippopotamus gasping for air through a saxophone.

-----------------

...my exciting life...

I was accosted this morning by a large sea turtle. I had arisen early to steal the neighbor’s newspaper (I canceled my subscription when I learned the editor was a freethinker and a bigamist), and just as I stepped outside, I saw it. The turtle must have been a good 5 feet long and 3.5 feet wide (these are shell measurements), and I would estimate that it weighed at least 200 pounds. I certainly couldn’t lift him, and I’m hella strong. I attribute my exceptional strength to a daily regimen of vitamins and backgammon, although I’m also 1/32 Apache Indian, so that’s sort of an X factor.

-----------------

...and all the other stuff I know about...

You may object that such a solution is not “politically feasible.” To this I respond: Did John F. Kennedy pause to ask whether his plan was ‘politically feasible’ before committing 400 American “advisers” in an unwinnable conflict in Southeast Asia? No sir, he did not! And yet, JFK is revered as a hero for his exploits as captain of PT-109, demonstrating that if you have to go on a trip with a Kennedy, the surest way to avoid drowning is, ironically, to travel by boat.



You get the idea: the same sort of insipid self-congratulatory treacle that you find here daily, but 99.4% more book-like. Again, if you want to get in on the last chance to get this book for the rock-bottom price of $9.95, click the inviting yellow button below. And yes, I'll even sign it for you. Just try to stop me!

Buy Now

I'm still thinking about putting together another collection, but I really want to finish my novel first. (Yes, I'm working on a novel. It's about an angel who is supposed to be helping out with the apocalypse but would rather play ping-pong. I'm about 75% done with it.)

I'll be back tomorrow with a brand new post that's even funnier than cancer!


Join me at BlogCatalog

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]]> 4940039098979347549 The Mystery Switch Climax! 2008/06/#4940039098979347549 2008-06-06 I suppose it was inevitable that my car would have a clitoris.

Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

My own suggestion, "MORE COWBELL", gave it a run for its money, but in the end there was no denying the appeal of "CLITORIS." So that's the label that will go on the Mystery Switch. Thanks, Deb! I'll get the label made up and post it when I get back.

In case you missed yesterday's post, I'm going to be taking a hiatus for a week or so. I've got some great guest bloggers lined up who have promised to expose The Real Diesel. This ought to be interesting.

While you're here, please weigh in on:

(1) Whether you would be interested in buying a discounted copy of my book, so I can order the right amount of copies.
(2) Whether you'd be interested in acquiring Antisocial Commentary Volume 2, so I know whether I should write it or not.

See you in a week or so.

Diesel out.


Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 1993619237067327382 Two Questions and an Announcement 2008/06/#1993619237067327382 2008-06-05 I'm preempting the Thursday Shout-Out this week for an announcement and a couple of questions. First, the announcement:

I'm going to be taking a little break from blogging next week. I'm in the process of lining up some very special guest posters to keep you entertained while I'm gone. I'll be back tomorrow with the Mystery Switch contest results, but I'll be out all next week.

Now for the questions.

A few of you may have heard that I wrote a book - a little volume called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. It's a collection some of my best writing from the first year of this blog, plus some original stuff. It retails for $11.95 plus shipping, but occasionally I have offered copies for $9.95 with free shipping. I can do this because (1) I don't really care about making any money on the book; and (2) If I buy a bunch of copies, I can get them at enough of a discount that I'm not losing (much) money by selling them for that amount. Since a lot of you are new readers (that is, new to this blog, not new to reading -- although how could would it be if someone was using this blog to learn how to read?), I thought I would ask how many of you would like to buy a copy at $9.95 with free shipping (that's a savings of $5.00 over the Lulu price). If there are enough of you to make it worthwhile, I'll put in another order. I was just browsing through the book the other day, and while it's true that I may be a little biased, I have to say that it's a pretty damn funny book. Definitely worth $9.95. If you don't believe me, read some of these reviews. Anyway, if you're interested, leave a comment below or send me an email at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com.

The second question is related to the first: As it's been nearly a year (and over a hundred posts) since the book came out, I'm wondering if it's time to start assembling Antisocial Commentary Volume 2. If I do publish a second volume, it will probably take a while, because I've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. I need to finish the manuscript for my novel, for one thing. But it's something that's been bouncing around my brain for a while, and was wondering how much interest there was.

Ok, that's it for today. Come back tomorrow to find out what label is going to be for the mystery switch!

I'm #3 on humor-blogs.com!

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]]> 844313666621192444 Caption Contest: The Other Boleyn Girl 2008/03/#844313666621192444 2008-03-21 I finally settled on The Other Boleyn Girl for this week's caption contest. Sorry for taking so long; my car continues to make my life interesting.

I haven't seen the movie, but I thought this made a pretty good picture.



A little twist this week, to keep things interesting: I'm going to give the winner a copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. If the person who wins already has a copy, I'll come up with something else. Maybe a plastic bag of dryer lint.

Submit your captions in the comments. Mrs. Diesel and I will pick our favorites and I'll post the top ten in a poll on Tuesday. Have fun, and good luck!

Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 1500695071166429647 Did I Mention...? 2007/12/#1500695071166429647 2007-12-06 Man, I've been so busy this week that I think I might have forgotten to mention that my book, Antisocial Commentary, is on sale for $9.95 with free shipping until December 14. Buy it now!

Recently I gave a copy to a friend of my wife's and her husband as a housewarming gift. I mentioned to them that several people had told me that it was excellent bathroom reading. Apparently they took me very literally, because the next day my wife's friend called her to tell her that while she and her husband were supposed to be doing some work around the house, her husband kept disappearing into the bathroom. At first she was irritated, and then concerned. Of course, it turned out that he was sneaking off to read my book. So be warned: It may start off as bathroom reading, but if you don't want people to think you're experience uncontrollable bouts of Dianetics, you may want to leave the book in the living room.

In case you're still not convinced, here are some quotes from various pillars of the blogging community regarding the wonder that is Antisocial Commentary:


"Diesel is that rare author who manages to find humor in just about anything. And not just 'regular' humor, but the much more difficult/rare Oh My God I'm About To Wet My Pants Because I'm Laughing So Hard, Help Me Jeebus! variety."

- Crazy Aunt Beatrice from Central Snark


"Many would call it being a virtuoso, a prodigy or idiot-savant. In fact, due to the flying bullets of topics flying all around the reader, he covers all three of the aforementioned much to the chagrin of his fellow writers.... No other humor writer matches this ability sans one. Diesel has defined his niche and it is as the heterosexual David Sedaris. Yes, Virigina, that is possible. Just peek between the covers."

- Howard from The Web Pen Blog


"Mr. Kroese is an amazingly brilliant and creative writer. It's always great to find someone who can take a simple thing like putting on your socks or renting a car and turn it into entertainment."

- Teri from The Road Lester Traveled


"The topics are as varied and diverse as the selections in today's average peanut butter aisle in the supermarket. I can laugh at things that are funny, but Diesel makes me laugh at things that I wouldn't have thought to think of as funny but, upon further review, realize are obviously funny. I really enjoy picking this book up, and you will too."

- The Frogster from The Frog Bog


"Diesel’s book is funny. I laughed out loud every few pages and I chuckled more often than not between every flip. More importantly, the book is very, very readable. To collect 150+ pages from hundreds of posts and have it flow from start to finish is quite a feat. All in all, this is a good read and an anthology worthy of purchase."

- SinisterDan from The Reasonable Ego


"Diesel is one funny guy. Correction - make that one funny, brilliant guy. He gets it - gets the absurdities of life - and with his own unique, inimitable style of writing shares his take on life. Antisocial Commentary is a must read for all who recognize that laughter can get us through just about anything life throws our way. And then some… It brings forth smirks, smiles, chuckles and those big old laugh-out-loud guffaws. Read it and weep – tears of laughter!"

- Beth from Books Etc.


And no, I didn't pay any of these people to say that stuff. I'm not much for self-promotion (see, now even I'm laughing!), but you might have noticed that I'm rather proud of this book. I'd stack it up against anything in the Humor section of Barnes and Noble, if they wouldn't keep throwing me out of the store.

So just buy it, ok? You have until December 14th to get it at the almost immorally low price of $9.95 with free shipping. And remember, any proceeds will go to the cause of promoting Huey Lewis.*

Oh, and I know there are several others of you who have written rave reviews that aren't included here. Don't worry, I'll do another of these shameless posts soon. If you'd like to be mentioned, please leave a comment or send me an email so that I don't accidentally miss you.

Ok, so buy the book, and I'll see you tomorrow for the caption contest results. If you buy the book.


*Huey Lewis is not a charity and contributions are not considered tax-deductible.


I wonder if you can get my book at Humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 7362485550843436530 Thursday Shout Out: You Guys (ok, and my book) 2007/11/#7362485550843436530 2007-11-29 Man, what a week. Between puking my guts out, taking care of children who were puking their guts out, wrapping up a programming job for a client and working on a radical revamp of humor-blogs.com (which I'm almost done with), I haven't had a lot of time to attend to my blogging duties. Yet despite my truancy, you all continue to stop by and leave nice comments that make me laugh and feel all snuggly inside. Thanks for sticking with me. You guys rock.

Still, I can't help but feel like I've let you down -- And more importantly, I feel like I've let Huey down. Some standard-bearer for the Huey-Lewis-is-too-classic-rock movement I've turned out to be (Yes, I've had plenty of movements lately, but I don't think any of them were Huey).

I may not be able to make it up to Huey, but here's what I can do for you: For a limited time I'm lowering the price on my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, to $9.95 with free shipping. That's right: until Friday, December 14 you can get Antisocial Commentary at $5.00 off the normal price. In fact, I'll even sign it* for you if you want. If you order Antisocial Commentary by December 14, I promise to get it to you before Christmas. They make great stocking stuffers for people with absurdly flat feet.

Look, I understand if you missed your chance to get a signed, discounted copy when the book first came out back in August. I'm not here to judge you. Maybe you only recently learned to read, or you're just really, really lame. There are plenty of good reasons why you would rather that I devote my life to helping a software behemoth take over the world instead of writing pithy little essays that bring people together through the miracle of laughter.

But now you have a second chance, Jocelyn. (I've randomly picked the name "Jocelyn" to refer to people who make lame excuses for not buying my book even though I pretty much guarantee it's going to be the best $9.95 they've spent all year. It helps me to identify with my audience when I use a specific name like that.)

So just order the damn thing already. Seriously, I worked really hard on it and it's hella funny. And to top Joel Bezaire, author of Crummy Church Signs Volume 1, I'll donate all the profits to the cause of Huey. Well, ok, there aren't going to be any profits at this price, but I swear to you on the grave of Mario Cippollina that no matter how much money I lose I absolutely will not send Huey a bill. Like the man said, I'm takin' what they're givin' cuz I'm workin' for a livin.'

Let's see, what else? Maybe I should tell you a little more about the book. It's mostly about me and how great I am. I cover such topics as...

...how I came to be...

I have Woodstock to thank for my conception. My dad walked up to my mom, who was sitting on a blanket in the sun with flowers in her hair, and said, “Hey, are you done with that newspaper? I haven’t read today’s Peanuts. I love Snoopy’s little bird friend.” Well, it turned out that my mom hadn’t read it either, so there they sat, taking their break on a dumpster behind DOW chemical’s Agent Orange plant, reading Peanuts together. My mom took the vowels and my dad took the consonants, and just like that, it was love. Which was a good thing, because they had been married for six years.

...my positions on important issues...

I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and “the Heebie Jeebies.” I don’t think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too.

-----------------

...how much I love my family...

We pulled in at a suitably crummy motel called the Aloha – presumably because for any sane person pulling into this place, hello would also be goodbye. If there was a Hawaiian theme, I didn’t notice – unless the toilets in Hawaii make a horrific screeching sound that sounds like a hippopotamus gasping for air through a saxophone.

-----------------

...my exciting life...

I was accosted this morning by a large sea turtle. I had arisen early to steal the neighbor’s newspaper (I canceled my subscription when I learned the editor was a freethinker and a bigamist), and just as I stepped outside, I saw it. The turtle must have been a good 5 feet long and 3.5 feet wide (these are shell measurements), and I would estimate that it weighed at least 200 pounds. I certainly couldn’t lift him, and I’m hella strong. I attribute my exceptional strength to a daily regimen of vitamins and backgammon, although I’m also 1/32 Apache Indian, so that’s sort of an X factor.

-----------------

...and all the other stuff I know about...

You may object that such a solution is not “politically feasible.” To this I respond: Did John F. Kennedy pause to ask whether his plan was ‘politically feasible’ before committing 400 American “advisers” in an unwinnable conflict in Southeast Asia? No sir, he did not! And yet, JFK is revered as a hero for his exploits as captain of PT-109, demonstrating that if you have to go on a trip with a Kennedy, the surest way to avoid drowning is, ironically, to travel by boat.

Even Joel, who knows a little something about teh funny, gave it a thumbs up:
What I appreciate about Diesel's sense of humor is that he never goes for the quick and easy laughs...but the laughs come quick and easy to the reader.... If you are a connoisseur of fine humor, or if you just like to laugh...this book is for you.
To sum up, I'm like the Bill Maher of humor writers. Which is to say, whatever it is that Bill Maher is really good at -- perhaps being a giant ass -- I'm that good at humor writing. Also, I'm pretty much the humblest ever.

Ok, I'd better stop now. I'm still a little delirious from my illness earlier this week. I'm not positive, but I think I may have put on a puppet show starring a Cat5 cable and a laptop power cord at a staff meeting this morning. Their names were Catty and Powie, and they had differing views on the importance of power versus cooperation. I think I fell asleep before I got to the moral.

Anyway, buy the book. It's good. If you go to this page you can read all about it and even download the first few chapters. Then just click the big yellow Buy Now button and pay with PayPal. I think there's a box where you can specify inscription instructions. Otherwise just send me an email at diesel [at] mattresspolice.com and let me know what you want me to scribble on it. Give the gift of laughter to someone you love. And when you're done with that, please buy my book.

Wow, the room is spinning. Meet me back here tomorrow for the caption contest. Maybe around noon.

Ok, Jocelyn?



*All books will be signed upside down.

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]]> 1151886042090655967 Get Paid for Blogging!!! 2007/09/#1151886042090655967 2007-09-04 If you're one of those people who has moral objections to ads on blogs, I'd suggest you skip this post and read this one instead. It's got teddy bears.

Antisocial Commentary Cover - Click to Enlarge As you probably know by now, I've written a book. It's called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. It's pretty funny, if people like this or this are to be believed. A lot of my fellow bloggers have been kind enough to help me promote the book, and the other day I started to think, "Wouldn't it be great if there was some way to reward these people for helping me out?"

As you also probably know, I was a web developer before I "retired," and I currently run a little humor blog directory appropriately named humor-blogs.com. I decided to leverage my connections and experience to start a "referral program," where bloggers can earn money by selling books by humor-blogs.com members. I'm starting with my own book, but I expect to be adding titles by other members in the future.

So if you are a blogger who is interested in (1) making a few bucks; or (2) helping me promote my book; or (3) helping to promote this referral program in order to encourage your fellow funny bloggers, please CLICK HERE to read all about the Humor-Blogs.com Revenue Referral Program.

It's super-easy. Basically you sign up and then put a link on your website to the humor-blogs.com store. If a visitor clicks on the link and buys a book, you make $2.00, paid via PayPal. If you've looked into how much Amazon or Google pays for ads, you'll know that $2.00 per sale is practically unheard of. I'm willing to give you that much because my costs are low (since I'm the author, publisher, distributor and retailer) and I don't really care about making money on the book. I just want to get as many copies out there as I can, and see how much potential this distribution model has.

If you want to see what the ads look like, visit one of these sites:

Crummy Church Signs
The Reasonable Ego
The Web Pen Blog
The Rain in Spain...

Read more about the Humor-Blogs Revenue Referral Program here.


Ok, now that that's out of the way, I can give you the answers to yesterday's "spelling test." I cheated by copying and pasting Jeff's answers, since he got them all right.

nurse=nresce
battle=batfall
pennies=penerd
confusion=kufshanr
discovery=bufen
resident=rebet
visible=vizetfall
trapped=chraped
distance=bistis
fever=feful
phone=phoesph
charge=jrash
drawing=braign
fraction=freken
scrape=craep

Actually, Lime and Crazy Aunt Bea got them all right too, but Jeff was first.

I'll be back tomorrow with a non-lame, non-self-promoting, 100% original post. It's been a while, huh?

Diesel out.

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]]> 5154222967532953207 Who Wants to Help Daddy? 2007/08/#5154222967532953207 2007-08-27 We spent Saturday packing up copies of Antisocial Commentary to send to you lovely folks. Here's a shot of the labeling team in action:


They were so intent on their assigned tasks that they could barely be bothered to look up, much less smile for the camera.

For my part, I spent most of the day doing two of my least favorite things: Writing with a pen and signing my name. I am -- if you can believe this -- the treasurer for my church, and one of my duties is to sign the staff's paychecks. I hate doing this so much that I once wrote an entire post about it. Here's an excerpt:
Much of my discomfort with signing checks actually has to do with the fact that my signature is kind of embarrassing. I mean, it's like ridiculously bad. It looks like a three year old. No, not like the signature of a three-year-old; it's so bad that it actually looks like a drawing of a small child. Well, you can sort of make out an 'M,' and there's a semi-legible 'L,' but unfortunately neither of those letters is actually present in my name.

My signature is so bad because I try to write my name really fast, partly because it's boring to me since it always ends the same, but mostly because I'm trying to hide the fact that my handwriting, like my table manners, hasn't really progressed since the 4th grade. I blame my dreadful handwriting on the fact that I am left-handed, and the fact that like many left-handers I cleverly conceal this by turning my whole hand completely upside down while I write, so that the letters lean to the right, just like big people's, and I'm in excruciating pain. The result is cursive that looks just like it was written by a person's right hand. Assuming, of course, that the person in question is also left-handed. And probably drunk.
I mention this partly so that you will feel sorry for me, having to sign several dozen books on a single day, but also so that you won't send me nasty emails when you open the book and find that a retarded monkey has vandalized your copy. I'm sorry, the retarded monkey is me. If you want a copy that hasn't been scribbled in, feel free to send that one back and I'll send you a replacement copy. Seriously.

Also, as I mentioned, I'm severely left-handed. So left-handed, in fact, that I found it virtually impossible to sign the first page of the book without bending the cover all to hell. I signed the first copy for my mom, and then signed another copy for her upside down, thanking her for the left-handed gene (the book was upside down, not me). The upside-down way was so much easier that I signed all of the rest of them that way. I've decided that's going to be the mark of authenticity for my signature. That and the retarded monkey thing.

I tried to personalize the inscriptions, but in some cases I resorted to simply transcribing the lyrics of whatever song I was listening to at the time. Hence the comments, "Don't stop believing," and "Dear ______, you truly are More Human Than Human."

Anyway, I'll be heading to the post office as soon as I hit Publish on this post. I'm sending most of them Media Mail, which means it will probably be 5-10 days before it gets to you. Hopefully you'll be so excited by the time you get it that you'll forgive the retarded monkey for screwing up your book.

If you haven't ordered your copy yet, do it now.

Get your captions for the caption contest in by tonight. I'll post the poll tomorrow.

Diesel out.

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]]> 684676258334313666 Housekeeping! 2007/08/#684676258334313666 2007-08-16 I sent out an email a few days ago to all the people who pre-ordered Antisocial Commentary. It probably got stuck in a few spam filters, so here's a link you can use to pay for the book. This form is only for people who pre-ordered the book. If you haven't pre-ordered it, you can buy the book here. One more note for the pre-orderers: If the email address you provided to PayPal is different from the one you gave me, please send me an email at diesel - at- mattresspolice.com letting me know, so that I can make sure I give credit to the right person.

In other news, I have gotten rid of my Links page and put the whole Mattress Police Force blogroll on the left sidebar. If you have linked to me and I haven't yet added you, please let me know. I try to add everybody who has me on their blogroll, but it's getting a little tough to keep up with.

I hope to be promoting a few more of you to the vaunted position of Adjutant Inspector as well, but I may need to clear out some deadwood first. If you're an Adjutant Inspector who hasn't left a comment in several weeks, drop me a note to let me know you're still around.

Also, I know that there are a lot of you out there who never leave comments for some reason. Maybe you feel too much pressure to say something witty. Maybe the hospital staff frowns on commenting. Whatever the reason, please take this as an invitation to just leave a quick comment saying hi. Maybe let me know how you found this place, or how long you've been reading, or why you don't have better things to do.

Ok, that's about it for now. Make sure you vote in the caption contest. I'll be posting the results on Saturday. And I'll be back tomorrow with an update on the Diesel for President campaign.

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]]> 5488774239030653275 A Publishing Revoltution 2007/08/#5488774239030653275 2007-08-13 Only a few years ago, getting a book published was an arduous, demanding process that often dragged on for years. Back then, many aspiring authors were turned away merely because their writing didn't fit into one of a few narrowly defined "genres," or because they didn't have any "talent."

Fortunately, the Dark Ages of Publishing, during which only a few real geniuses like Herman Melville or Sidney Sheldon could get their works published, are over. Thanks to a technological revolution, getting published no longer means having to meticulously "set type," pore over "galleys," or have your writing "proofread." Today anybody can get published.

As evidence of this, I present to you Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, now available through Lulu.com. It's true that I'm also in talks with a "real" publisher, but the problem with "real" publishers is that they seem to be only interested in one of two things:

1. Authors that people have heard of.
2. Books that have a "point."

I try to tell them that guys like Melville and Sheldon didn't become famous until after they were published (although I understand that Melville was pretty well known at the local pub for his dead-on Andrew Jackson impression), but they just don't get it. That means that to get published by a "real" publisher, I have to try to write a book focusing on a single topic. If you've read any of my posts, you know how hard that would be for me, as I often deal with as many as sixteen topics within a single paragraph.

My solution was to self-publish my book through Lulu.com. I received the first published copy of my book about a week ago, and I was thoroughly impressed. Who is this spirited young author, who writes like the unholy lovechild of Melville and Sheldon? I thought. Also, the print quality is top-notch. May I be stabbed in the eye with a rusty harpoon if it isn't indistinguishable from the type of book you would find at your local Megabookseller and Coffee Shop.

At first I was concerned about the "stigma" attached to self-publishing. But then I spent some time perusing the Lulu.com catalog, and my fears were allayed. These are some of the more promising titles I found:

The Laws of Paws and Claws - Numerology for Cats

by beryl nozedar
A book written about Numerology for Cats with humor but with information about how to change your cat's name to improve his/her personality.

Is one of the recommended names "Free to a Good Home?"


A Life in a Day: A Course in Amateur Traumatics

by Victor Rust
Do you have visions of being perfect? Have you ever been frustrated by the welter of self-help books, which are too lazy or lack crystallisation to actually help you directly? Do you want a quick fix to achieve that desired perfection? Do you always have so many questions running through your head when considering whether to buy a book or not? Then this is the book for you. In easy to understand – sort of – steps, the book guides you through the stages of a day (any day) and the issues that might impact on you and how you might best use them to your advantage. What is it about the self-help books that elevate this one to the top of the pile – even if what constitutes that pile is highly unpleasant? Well, you just don’t have to try too hard with this one and it is guaranteed effective (unless it isn’t, in which case, the guarantee is instantly null and void)!

As bad as you feel right now, at least you didn't write this.

ONE WAR

by John Scott Ridgway
Slane is based on a Navy Seal who was ordered to rape women to death in Vietnam. He takes up a third of the book; the other novellas concern a poet and a scientist in a think tank. Somehow, there are a few laughs as well. Seriously. Not sicko laughs, either... really.

Stop me if you've heard the one about the Navy Seal who was ordered to rape women to death in Vietnam.


The Revenge of Resident Virus

by Denis Sadoshenko
…When the ingeniously devised operation to destroy the 586th computer, led by the resident with the tabel number K-817, failed, the heads could not recover for a long time. To make such an elementary error! This was inexcusable. And so, with the help of a bestial genetic engineering, a virus of the new generation was created – resident, incorruptible and cruel. Even more invulnerable and insidious than the previous versions. Without much thinking directors dubbed it K-818 – they had no strength left to devise a name for their new child. The operation, in principle, could not fail – they have envisaged all the possible and impossible attacks and withdrawals. All the errors have been taken into account and eliminated. The virus could have been called a zetta-version with pride, had he not been a simple program. Unfortunately, he had not…

Well, we're in agreement on one thing: Whatever it is, it needs to be stopped.


So obviously I'm in good company at Lulu.com. In fact, I'm wondering if anything in my book can top the sheer comic genius of cat numerology.

Anyway, thanks to everybody who took a chance on an unknown kid by pre-ordering Antisocial Commentary! I'll send you an email shortly with payment instructions, and you should get your copy/copies in a week or two. If you haven't ordered your copy yet, you can now order it directly from Lulu.com.

And maybe get a copy of that wacky death-rape book while you're at it.

Also, even if you've already ordered the book, I would be much obliged if you would go to the Lulu site and click the stars next to where it says "Rate this Item." The higher my rating, the more prominently my book will be displayed on the Lulu site. You don't even have to order it to rate it. You can also write a review if you want. Thanks!

Update 9:23 am: I just realized that you do have to create an account to rate the book. There isn't much to it though, and it's worth it to help out your old pal Diesel, right? Right.

I'll post the poll for the caption contest tomorrow. You have until tonight to get your captions in. Make me proud!


Humor-blogs.com once had an inauspicious number of kittens, but it drowned one in a burlap sack in the river and has had good luck ever since.

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]]> 5828196937755045145 No Boobs Today (Thursday Shout-Out) 2007/08/#5828196937755045145 2007-08-09 Thanks to Joel from Crummy Church Signs for filling in for me at the Humor-Blogs.com review site. I think we can all agree that he did a better job than I've been doing and was much less pissy about it than I am. If you want to be a guest review editor, let me know and maybe we can work something out. The only qualifications are a rudimentary grasp of the English language and a fondness for crushing people's dreams.

Also, thanks to Crazy Aunt Beatrice (aka Snuppy) from Central Snark, for ordering no fewer than FIVE copies of my book, as well as something like 14 t-shirts from the Mattress Police store at last count. She must have a lot of boobs to need that many shirts, but I've been forbidden to post any more boob pics until our plumbing is complete.

I'll be back tomorrow with perhaps the best caption contest photo yet. I say "perhaps" because I have no idea at this point what it will be.

And as you would know if you ever listened to me, tomorrow is the last day to pre-order a signed, discounted copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary. Not ordering it could be the biggest mistake you ever make. I say "could be" because I have no idea at this point what other mistakes you are likely to make.

See you tomorrow!

Update 1:04 PM: My NBFF, Cathouse Teri, has ordered six copies of my book, presumably because she has a LOT of end tables with one short leg.

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]]> 3122167439988347593 Good News, Everyone! 2007/08/#3122167439988347593 2007-08-07 I'm moving up the official publication date of Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police to Monday, August 13. I just received the final preview copy of the book, and it looks fantastic, if I do say so myself. This means that the last day to order a signed, discounted copy with free shipping is this Friday, August 10.

So don't wait any longer. Pre-order your copy today. After Friday, you will have to pay the full price of $11.95 plus shipping. And I don't want to hear any whining about "can I get an autographed copy" after Friday, ok? This is your chance. Just order it. It's ten bucks. What are you, Gandhi or something? Just order the damn thing.




In case that's not clear enough, here's a link to the ORDER FORM. Click on the words "ORDER FORM." No, not the ones in quotes. Before that. There you go!

The order form will ask you for the name of one of the Marx brothers. This is so that I don't get deluged by "orders" from spambots who -- between you and me -- probably don't even know how to read. The form will accept Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo or Gummo. (Yes, there were five Marx brothers. Look it up.) It will also accept Karl, smartasses.

Oh, and if you're outside the U.S. and Canada: you can still order the book; I just wasn't sure how much shipping would cost. Odds are I'll be able to ship it at no cost to you, but I didn't want to guarantee it in case it costs $20 and a pair of Levi's to ship it to Kamchatka or wherever. Just fill out the form. I'll get you the book at a good price. I promise.

You will also notice that the ruggedly handsome gentleman in the photo above is wearing one of our popular Mattress Police t-shirts. These are available in a variety of styles and colors at the Mattress Police store.

Here, in fact, is a photo of Claire from Notes from a Wildcat fan wearing the same shirt. It looks a little different on her. Sorry about that. The letters are all wavy for some reason. It doesn't do that on me.



And here's another strapping young reader, showing off his Vincent Van Gobot Self-Portrait shirt. Looks good in red, doesn't it?



Peruse our entire selection at the Mattress Police store!

Wow, that's a lot of shameless self-promotion for one post. I'll be back tomorrow with a slightly less shameless post about the crack security at Barnes and Noble.

Oh, I almost forgot! Joel from Crummy Church Signs is filling in for me at the Humor-Blogs.com review site this week. Be sure to check out his reviews, and also read his hilarious post at Central Snark today!

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]]> 2078676825888871376 Lotsa Winners! 2007/08/#2078676825888871376 2007-08-04

This week's winning caption came from Mattress Police Stalker-in-Chief, Zoning Out Again. Or is it Obsessive Randomness with Zoning Out Again? Or maybe it's Zoning Random Obsessively Zoning Random Ponderings. Or something. Anyway, congratulations. I'm just glad that the most personally insulting entry didn't win. After all, it's not George Clooney's fault he's not as cool as me. Give the guy a break.

Second place went to Joel B. from Crummy Church Signs:

Oddly enough, the planes for "Dorktown" and "Coolville" were boarding from the same gate.


And coming in third, this gem from new contender Renal Failure:
"So what did you put in Affleck's suitcase?"
"Couple dog biscuits and some kiddie porn."
"Nice... nice..."


In other news, I have randomly selected the winning participants in the Antisocial Commentary release party raffle. (And yes, Candace and Jocelyn, I included your names in the drawing. Sorry for leaving you off the list).

The winners of this little contest receive a FREE copy of my new book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. And the winners are...

1. Desperate Horsewife from On the Shores of Carpenter Creek
2. The Drive-By Blogger
3. Logophile from It Really is a Dog's Life

To the winners: It would help me out if you could go to the Order Form so I can get your names and addresses. I'll make sure you don't get charged. Or, if you'd rather, just send me an email at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com.

And if you didn't win, don't worry! There is still time to preorder a signed, discounted copy of Antisocial Commentary. Order your copy today!

Thanks, everybody!


Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 6354113978055726606 Thursday Shout-Out: Release Party Participants 2007/08/#6354113978055726606 2007-08-02 Being the shameless publicity whore/control freak that I am, I recently planned a party for myself and instructed all the participants regarding their respective party-related responsibilities.

Yes, the Antisocial Commentary release party was a smashing success, thanks to the near-unlimited patience of the following bloggers:

Crazy Aunt Beatrice from Central Snark
G from Simply Said
Joel from Crummy Church Signs
SinisterDan from The Reasonable Ego
Claire from Notes from a Wildcat Fan
Logophile from It Really is a Dog's Life
Chris C. From Nothing to See Here
Wyo from Temporary Digression of the Spotted Kind
Mr. Fabulous from Pointless Drivel
Howard from The Web Pen Blog
FIAR from Radioactive Liberty
Uncivil
Zoning Out Again
HollyGL From Remedial Ruminations
Mad Kane from Mad Kane's Humor Blog
The Drive-By Blogger
Mik from Slightly Mordant
Tina from The Gallivanting Monkey
Lord Likely
Wild Bill from Passionate America
Lizza from I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Dorky Dad
Desperate Horsewife from On the Shores of Carpenter Creek
Jami from Not THAT Different
Beth from BooksEtc.
Hammer from When Your Only Tool is a Hammer
Jeff from View from the Cloud
The Queen of Dysfunction
Wild Bill from America's Victory 08
The Ziggurat of Doom

I know, it's a big list, but if you're a fan of this site please visit two or three of them today to thank them for their support. And if I missed you (and it's virtually guaranteed that I missed at least one, given my legendary lack of attention to detail), please let me know ASAP.

Update 7:23PM - I told you I'd miss somebody. I forgot Jocelyn from O Mighty Crisis. I suck.

As a token of my appreciation, I'm going to put all the bloggers listed above into a drawing and pick three of them to receive a signed copy of my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. I will announce the winners on Saturday, along with the caption contest winner.

Thank you all for your support!

All proceeds from Antisocial Commentary will be used to keep me from having to get a real job. Order your copy today!

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]]> 1005652129663093886 The Antisocial Commentary Release Party! 2007/07/#1005652129663093886 2007-07-26 So, I wrote this book, see.



It's pretty darn funny, if I do say so myself. It's got over 50 of my best posts, with all the stupid boring crap taken out and some cool non-boring crap shoved in where the boring crap used to be. It's going to retail for $11.95 plus shipping and handling, but for a very limited time you can pre-order a copy for $9.95 with FREE shipping. That's like five bucks you're saving, which is pretty much like me buying you a Grande Carmel Machiatto and a cookie. Plus I'll sign it if you want me to and I can find a friggin' pen.

The book will be officially released on August 15, but you can pre-order it NOW.

To pre-order it, just go here and fill out the form. You don't have to pay anything right now; you'll get an email when the book is available with instructions on how to pay using PayPal. It's super-easy, trust me.

PRE-ORDER ANTISOCIAL COMMENTARY NOW!

The book contains all of your favorites, including:
  • Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism
  • The Force is Middling in this One
  • Thee Eagle Has Landed ("What happens on Jupiter...")
  • Brilliant! (James Blunt's Songwriting Journal)
  • Mixed Fruits and Metaphors
  • Don't Make Me Angry
  • Congratulations on Your New Testicles!
And many, many more. Buy two copies and give one to the next pair of Jehovah's Witnesses that stop by. You know you want it.

And just to prove that this is an actual book and not just something I made up in Photoshop to screw with you, here's a PDF excerpt. You'll need a PDF reader (like Adobe Acrobat) to read it.

Thank you for your support. And a special thanks to all my fabulous blogger friends who helped me throw this little shindig. You guys rock. And don't be surprised if you get a little token of my appreciation in the near future....

Also, sorry to be lame, but my wife and I are taking off for a few days to celebrate our 14th anniversary, so I have to leave the party a little early. Please help yourselves to whatever's in the fridge. I'll try to drag my ass back here in time for Friday's caption contest, but it might turn into Saturday's caption contest this week.


Listed on humor-blogs.com.

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]]> 4078715381185374743 Antisocial Commentary Preview! 2007/06/#4078715381185374743 2007-06-27 Since the positive response I got regarding my idea of publishing an compilation of my writings called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, I've been working on selecting and editing some of my better posts for the book. I've also been organizing the posts into chapters by different themes (Family, pop culture, religion, etc.) and writing introductions to each of the chapters. I wanted the introductions to be sort of a "bonus" feature, so that even if you've been a loyal reader of this blog since the beginning, there will still be some material you haven't seen. But as I was working on one of the introductions last night, I thought, "But how will anyone know about these bonus features?" And then I thought, "I know, I'll post them to my blog!" And then I thought, "Wow, I can't believe I'm allowed to feed myself."

Anyway, I'm not going to post all of the introductions, but here's one of them, just to show you what you'll be missing if you don't buy the book. Or, more accurately, what you'd be missing if you didn't buy the book and I wasn't an idiot.

Chapter 3: The Internet

There’s an old story about 3 blind men who are attempting to describe an elephant. One man feels the elephant’s trunk and theorizes that an elephant is like a snake. Another feels the elephant’s tail and asserts that an elephant is like a rope. The third man feels the elephant’s rough hide and concludes an elephant is like a boulder.

In many ways, the internet is like that elephant. The fact is, if you’re blind and retarded, you’re not going to get much out of it. On the other hand, why would you be trying to get something out of an elephant? Let me tell you, you’re not going to get anything out of an elephant that didn’t first go into the elephant, and few things are improved by a journey through an elephant. If you lost something near an elephant, you should probably just get another of whatever it is. But you would know that if you would have just looked it up on the internet rather than reading this drivel. And really, that’s my point.

The internet is a phenomenal resource. So phenomenal, in fact, that for the first several years that the World Wide Web was around, nobody knew quite what it was for. Maybe it’s for selling pet food and furniture, we thought. When that turned out to be incorrect, we theorized that it was for getting your groceries delivered to your doorstep. Unfortunately, we were wrong about that too. We were pretty sure that it had something to do with productivity and efficiency, and it turned out we were right. What we didn’t realize was that the purpose of the internet was to decrease productivity while increasing the efficiency with which we could disseminate pornography and videos of monkeys sticking their fingers in their bums.

And yet, something was still missing. “How will we know how to find the pornography and monkey bum videos?” we asked. And that’s when someone came up with the idea of blogging. “It will be just like a diary,” someone said. “Except it will be arranged in reverse chronological order in order to reflect the diminishing importance of context in the modern age.” And just like that, a new form of literature was invented. Not that you give a shit, because it happened like three weeks ago and have you seen the new monkey bum video?

Anyway, as a former computer programmer, current blogger, and monkey-bum aficionado, I spend a lot of time on the internet. This results in me writing a lot about the internet, and then posting those writings to the internet. Then I write about writing about the internet, and post that to the internet. Eventually I get bored and go looking for some of those Russian dolls on eBay.



This post exclusively available at humor-blogs.com (and here).

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]]> 2915735430566579692 Would You Buy This Book? 2007/06/#2915735430566579692 2007-06-04 At the urging of certain of my more enthusiastic fans, I've started consolidating some of my better writings into a collection tentatively titled Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. Believe it or not, in the eight months since I started this blog I've written over 250 pages of semi-coherent drivel. When I realized just how much I had written, I exclaimed to my wife, "I could make this into a book!"

And she beheld me with a look of pride and admiration and responded, "Not a very good book."

To be fair, she thought I meant a novel, and it's true that a novel based on this blog would make about as much sense as Gravity's Rainbow.

When I explained to her that it would be just a random collection of humorous essays, she warmed to the idea.

"Why would anyone buy it if they can just read your blog?" she asked.

Why indeed? I mean, don't get me wrong. The book wouldn't just be a hard copy version of this blog. I'd pick and choose from the better posts, organize them, expand some of them and pare down others, and I'd write some new material as well -- but the book would still be mostly recycled material. For example, I'd include Harry Potter and the Slide Into Satanism, The Force is Middling in this One, WTF? and all your other classic favorites. So my question to you is, would you buy such a book? Don't worry about offending me; I chafe at the thought of paying more than $6 for a book by Hemingway or Twain, and they're like famous and stuff. I'd just like to have some indication, before I get too far on this project, how many of you might actually be interested in buying it. I'm figuring it will be around 180 pages and cost about $12-14 in paperback (I'm assuming at this point that I'll self-publish it, but I may shop it around a bit first).

For that matter, what if I wrote a book that was in the same vein as the stuff I write here, but it was all original content? Or if it was 50/50? Or let's say that I've also been working on a novel about an angel who is supposed to be helping out with the apocalypse but feels that he has better things to do. Should I, theoretically, focus on that instead?

I'm easy, just tell me what I can do to make you pay me for something I write. So that I don't have to get a job.

Anyway, post a comment or send me an email with your thoughts. Something for you to think about while I'm away on vacation this week.

In other news, I've posted the reviews of Florid Organum Straight from the South Side, Dan's Blah Blah Blog, and Copacetic City at the humor-blogs.com review blog. Enjoy!

See you in a week or so!

Diesel out.


I've got two tickets to humor-blogs.com. Because we've waited so long. Waited so long.

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