A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 3517948590110618634 Mattress Police News Briefs #4 2008/01/#3517948590110618634 2008-01-16 This morning the following headline popped up on Yahoo:

Castro says he's too unhealthy to speak

I couldn't help but laugh at the poor sick bastard. I'm sorry, what was that you said? Something about being too wealthy to pee? Could you speak up a little?

I delved a little deeper and found another article headlined "Castro looks frail, alert in new photos." I guess that beats looking robust but addled like Paula Abdul. I wish I could manage looking alert in photos. I always seem to look a little lost, like James Franco in Spider-Man 3. That's probably going to be my downfall in my presidential campaign: "Diesel looks sleepy, confused in new photos." Maybe I'm not torturing enough dissidents.

I used to love writing headlines for my college newspaper. I enjoyed coming up with little puns and plays on words, like the time that a blood drive on campus was canceled and I wrote "Blood Drive Organized in Vain." Or when the college's board voted to divide the college and the seminary into two separate organizations, and I came up with "Board Members Assess Plan to Divide, and Concur." Of course, then there was the time that I was out of town when the galleys were proofread (yes, I'm that old) and I asked the other editors to look over my stuff so there weren't any mistakes. That was the week that "War Fuels Oil Exec's Speech" became "War Furls Aid Exec's Speech." Thanks for keeping an eye on things for me, guys! Nobody reads the words in the middle of a headline anyway, right?

I enjoyed writing the headlines much more than I did writing the actual articles. In fact, that's still the case, even with my fake news articles. I haven't done a "Mattress Police News Brief" for a while because I usually get bored about halfway through the second sentence of the article. The headline is almost always the best part anyway. My personal favorite is Belgium: France Keeps Touching Me.

So, as a result of my piss-poor attention span, I've got a bunch of fake news headlines for which I've never gotten around to actually writing the articles. Then when I saw that Castro headline this morning, I realized that sometimes headlines are better when you don't read the article. And perhaps even better when there is no article. So I present to you Mattress Police News Briefs #4 (Now with even more briefness!).


Nicolas Cage finds sideburns, won't look creepy
in National Treasure 3
Oscar winning actor claims to have misplaced them on the set of Wicker Man

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Ripon man can't get comfortable
Has tried "pretty much everything"; may need to get a new chair

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Cultural relativists dispatched to the U.S.-Mexico border
"America isn't that great," they tell prospective illegal immigrants

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Owen Wilson recovers from suicide attempt; Cuba Gooding, Jr. announces plans to continue starring in "Absolute Rubbish"
"Slitting your wrists is faster, but starring in Daddy Day Camp and Boat Trip may ultimately be more effective," say experts

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Chad Kroeger Clears His Throat, Gets Dropped by Record Label
"His distinctive sound is gone," says executive

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I hope you're not too disappointed that there aren't any articles to go with the headlines. I'll post the articles tomorrow.

Not really, though. I probably won't post anything tomorrow. But maybe I will. It's difficult to say. Grundir owes me a couple of memes, but he's been busy setting hobbit traps lately, so he may not have time. In any case, feel free to write your own articles in the comments if you want.

I'll definitely be back Friday with the caption contest results. Make sure you vote, if you haven't already.

Diesel out.


Humor-blogs.com peaked with Jerry McGuire.

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]]> 5527329580870681981 Mattress Police News Briefs #3 2007/06/#5527329580870681981 2007-06-20 Belgium: France Keeps Touching Me
In an incident that threatens to upset the delicate balance of power in Europe’s metaphorical backseat, Belgium has once again accused France of unwanted touching.

The site of the alleged touching is an area surrounding the Meuse River, just west of Luxembourg. At a press conference on Tuesday, Belgian Foreign Minister Hans Phillipe showed satellite photos which he insisted “show clearly that France is poking Belgium.”



France’s ambassador to Belgium, Jean-Marie St. Claude characterized Belgium’s claims as “ridiculous.” In a written statement, he said that France was clearly on its side of the Franco-Belgian border.

The other Benelux countries, who asked to remain anonymous, were supportive of Belgium. “This isn’t the first time that France has stuck its finger where it isn’t wanted,” one of the countries said. The other one offered, “I don’t think that’s a finger.” Western Europe responded with a collective “ewwww” and demanded that Paris clean up its act.

The incident immediately set off an outcry in the United States that Paris be sent back to jail where she belongs.

Paula Abdul Has Been Replaced by a Box of Mewing Kittens
In a stunning announcement, executives at the Fox network admitted that several months ago Paul Abdul was replaced in her role as an American Idol judge by a box of mewing kittens. “We intended to say something at the time, but we kind of forgot,” said Karen Ngyen, Fox’s Vice President for Reality Programming. “And then when nobody noticed….” Ngyen shrugged.

Abdul’s co-judge Randy Jackson admitted that he suspected something in January, when all he heard from Abdul’s chair regarding a particularly dreadful performance by Sanjaya Malakar was some barely audible mewing. “I thought maybe she was having a problem with her mike,” Jackson said.

Simon Cowell insisted he knew about the replacement almost from the beginning. “One night I found myself having a particularly scintillating conversation with Paula about the state of the Balkans, and I just sensed that something was different about her. When I began to feel oddly attracted to her, I knew something was wrong. I took her home with me and when she drank an entire bowl of warm milk I realized that she was, in fact, a cardboard box of kittens."



Fox executives insisted that there was mutual agreement that replacing Paula with a box of kittens was the best thing for everyone. “It started when Paula locked herself inside her car twenty minutes before showtime and she called us to send someone to get her. The page we sent to retrieve her picked up a box of abandoned kittens by the side of the road by mistake. No one realized what had happened until the wardrobe people commented that none of Paula’s outfits seemed to fit her. The kittens were real troopers about the whole ordeal, and agreed to go on with just the box.”

Abdul’s whereabouts are unknown.

Death of Man Who Used the Word ‘Libary’ Ruled Justifiable Homicide
In what could be a precedent-setting case, the killing of a 26 year old man in Ripon, California was ruled to be justified. David Simons, 38, never denied pummeling Cody McDonnell to death with a heavy glass paperweight.

“Oh, I killed him alright,” said Simons.

Simon’s defense rested on his claim that McDonnell repeatedly pronounced the word 'library' without the first ‘r’ moments before the attack.

“He was all like, ‘Hey, let’s go down to the libary. College chicks hang out at the libary. Libary, libary, libary.’ I just snapped and grabbed the paperweight.”

The jury deliberated for twenty minutes before concluding that McDonnell had it coming. “I think we can all empathize with David Simons,” said jury foreman Ed Smit. “But then, I once shot a man for putting an apostrophe in the possessive form of its.”


This just in: humor-blogs.com now has a higher population than Canada.

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]]> 1819347937494204645 Mattress Police News Briefs #2 2007/04/#1819347937494204645 2007-04-30

California Town Fights Influx of Wal-Mart Shoppers

Ripon, California has escalated its struggle against big box stores such as Wal-Mart by taking aim at what it sees as the root of the problem: Wal-Mart shoppers. "We evaluate any prospective residents against a profile of the typical Wal-Mart shopper. Poor folks, single mothers and morbidly obese people are generally not allowed to move into town. When a community-destroying corporation like Wal-Mart looks at our city, they see that it's populated with snooty rich folks who frown on unreasonably low prices, not to mention child labor." City councilperson Karen C. Nautigan chafed at the suggestion that the policy was tantamount to discrimination. "We have no problem with blacks, gays, or any other group. Well, we are a little suspicious of the blacks. But only because of the crime and poverty they bring."



Ripon Farmer in a Quandary: Apples or Oranges?



John Kort of Ripon, California recently acquired 40 acres of farmland with the intention of planting apple trees, but now he is having second thoughts. "The other day someone suggested it might be better to plant oranges," Kort said. "I was really set on apples, but oranges make sense too." Kort asked around, but found no one with the expertise to help him decide between the two types of trees. Finally he sought help from the agriculture department at the University of California at Davis. UC Davis is one of the nation's premier centers of agricultural expertise, but Kort found no help there either. "This really is a pickle," said Tim McSweeney, head of the university's agriculture department. "We simply can't find any basis for comparison between the two fruits." McSweeney plans to request an $80 million federal grant to study the problem.


Fundamentalists Change Tactics in Fight Over Ten Commandments

A fundamentalist Christian organization announced today that they would be drastically changing their tactics in the fight to keep the Ten Commandments displayed in court houses and other public buildings. "We realize that a lot of people have a problem with the idea of the Ten Commandments as a whole," Joel Bazeer of Citizens for the Mosaic Decalogue said in a statement today. "So our idea is to break the Ten Commandments down into more palatable chunks and build support for them one by one."

The CMD will start by proposing a constitutional amendment with the text of the first commandment. The amendment reads simply:
I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
"I don't see how anybody could be offended by that," said Bazeer. "It's simply a statement by the Almighty God saying that we should all worship Him to the exclusion of all other gods."

Bazeer dismissed the idea that the Acknowledgment of the Supremacy of the Almighty God Amendment violates the principle of the separation of the church and state. "The term 'separation of church and state' doesn't even appear in the text of the Bible," said Bazeer.

"You mean the Constitution?" asked a reporter.

"Er, yeah, Constitution," said Bazeer.



Ford Halts Development of New Vehicles, Citing Shortage of Good Car Names

Automaker Ford, Inc. today announced an indefinite hiatus in the development of new automobiles. CEO Alan Mulally explained that Ford had simply run out of names to give to any new vehicles. "The Mercury Mariner was kind of our last gasp," Mulally said. "And even that name was borderline unusable." A class action lawsuit was recently brought against Ford by consumers who attempted to use the Mariner as an amphibious vehicle.

Some analysts have traced Ford's problems to an unwillingness to make up new words, as GM has done with the Alero, Lumina, and Aztek. "We're not going down that road," Mulally said. "Where does it stop? I mean, Kia has just released a car called the Magentis. What the hell is that? If I bought a Magentis, I'd feel compelled to drive it straight off the lot to my vasectomy appointment."

Other car companies are also feeling the car name pinch. Executives at Volkswagen are rumored to have held several all-night car-naming sessions during which they channel surf between ESPN and the Discovery channel while under the influence of psychotropic substances. These sessions are thought to be responsible for the names Golf, Phaeton, Polo and Touareg. When asked to comment on the inspiration for these names, a senior Volkswagen executive responded, "We named a car WHAT?!"


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]]> 5363106692755074051 Mattress Police News Briefs #1 2007/04/#5363106692755074051 2007-04-02

Those of you who have been around since I started this site back in October know that my blog has always been in a constant state of evolution. I've tried a lot of different kinds of humor pieces, from one-liners to top ten lists to fake news stories. Frankly though, most of the posts I really enjoyed writing and feel good about are of the random nonsense variety. My very first post was a made-up account of my encounter with a sea turtle, and that post has set the tone for most of this blog. So you'll probably be seeing more stuff like this and this from now on.

Anyway, now that I've cleaned out my sock drawer, I realize that my mind is also cluttered with the seeds of a lot of fake news stories that I don't feel like writing. I like the idea of satirical news pieces, but they're kind of tedious to write -- and presumably to read. So I've decided to do another sock-drawer post of news items. I'll keep them short in deference to the attention spans of both the readers and the writer of this blog. I present to you the first entry in the Mattress Police News Briefs:


Barak Obama Hopes to Be First Creamy Eggnog President

It's no secret that Barack Obama has had his eye on being the first black president. Now, facing criticism that he is "not black enough," Obama has subtly shifted his strategy. "I've had several high level meetings with my advisors and the fine folks at Glidden," he said at a press conference this morning, "and I am confident based on their counsel that I am well-positioned to be the first Creamy Eggnog President." He assured a crowd that the shift would not affect his policies regarding non-Creamy Eggnog Americans.



Nickelback Determined to Be the "Next Nickelback"

Lately music industry gurus have been abuzz with the question: Who will be the next band to wear the wuss-rock crown? Contenders include Hinder and American Idol also-rans Daughtry and Bo Bice. Yesterday Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger did his best to put an end to the speculation. "There is only one real contender for the title of the "next Nickelback," and that's Nickelback. We were Nickelback when everybody thought we were the next Def Leppard, and we'll still be Nickelback when Daughtry is the next Creed," Kroeger said.


Axl Rose Admits "Chinese Democracy" Was a "Just a Joke"

Former Guns 'n' Roses lead singer Axl Rose made a startling announcement yesterday regarding the release of the perennially delayed album Chinese Democracy. "I meant it as a joke," he said. "I thought 'Chinese Democracy' was a fairly well known euphemism for something that was never going to happen. When people took me seriously, I had no choice but to play along." Rose first announced plans for the new GNR album in 1994. "I was going to call it Hell Freezes Over, but the Eagles beat me to it. And then they really confused things by actually releasing the album." Rose put to rest any speculation about the album. "There absolutely will be no GNR album called Chinese Democracy. Even if I did plan on recording another GNR album at one point -- which I didn't -- I simply wouldn't have time these days. All my energy is going into my solo project." Rose's first solo album, due to be released April first, 2008, is tentatively titled Pigs Fly.

House Passes Timetable for Withdrawing Support from Britney Spears

The House of Representatives today narrowly passed a resolution that sets a firm timetable for withdrawing support from Britney Spears. Dick Cheney harshly criticized the measure. "Britney is obviously not ready to stand on her own yet," Cheney argued. "If we give up now, we risk losing all of the time and energy we as a nation have invested in her." A slim majority in the House disagreed. "We all love Britney Spears and wish her the best," said Speaker Nanci Pelosi. "But at some point she needs to get her act together. Maybe this timetable will give her the push she needs."


That's all for now, folks. I'll be back Wednesday with more nonsense. And don't forget, this Friday I'll be posting the picture for the next installment of the Mattress Police caption contest.

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