Castro says he's too unhealthy to speak
I couldn't help but laugh at the poor sick bastard. I'm sorry, what was that you said? Something about being too wealthy to pee? Could you speak up a little?
I delved a little deeper and found another article headlined "Castro looks frail, alert in new photos." I guess that beats looking robust but addled like Paula Abdul. I wish I could manage looking alert in photos. I always seem to look a little lost, like James Franco in Spider-Man 3. That's probably going to be my downfall in my presidential campaign: "Diesel looks sleepy, confused in new photos." Maybe I'm not torturing enough dissidents.
I used to love writing headlines for my college newspaper. I enjoyed coming up with little puns and plays on words, like the time that a blood drive on campus was canceled and I wrote "Blood Drive Organized in Vain." Or when the college's board voted to divide the college and the seminary into two separate organizations, and I came up with "Board Members Assess Plan to Divide, and Concur." Of course, then there was the time that I was out of town when the galleys were proofread (yes, I'm that old) and I asked the other editors to look over my stuff so there weren't any mistakes. That was the week that "War Fuels Oil Exec's Speech" became "War Furls Aid Exec's Speech." Thanks for keeping an eye on things for me, guys! Nobody reads the words in the middle of a headline anyway, right?I enjoyed writing the headlines much more than I did writing the actual articles. In fact, that's still the case, even with my fake news articles. I haven't done a "Mattress Police News Brief" for a while because I usually get bored about halfway through the second sentence of the article. The headline is almost always the best part anyway. My personal favorite is Belgium: France Keeps Touching Me.
So, as a result of my piss-poor attention span, I've got a bunch of fake news headlines for which I've never gotten around to actually writing the articles. Then when I saw that Castro headline this morning, I realized that sometimes headlines are better when you don't read the article. And perhaps even better when there is no article. So I present to you Mattress Police News Briefs #4 (Now with even more briefness!).
Nicolas Cage finds sideburns, won't look creepy
in National Treasure 3
Oscar winning actor claims to have misplaced them on the set of Wicker Man
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Ripon man can't get comfortable
Has tried "pretty much everything"; may need to get a new chair
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Cultural relativists dispatched to the U.S.-Mexico border
"America isn't that great," they tell prospective illegal immigrants
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Owen Wilson recovers from suicide attempt; Cuba Gooding, Jr. announces plans to continue starring in "Absolute Rubbish""Slitting your wrists is faster, but starring in Daddy Day Camp and Boat Trip may ultimately be more effective," say experts
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Chad Kroeger Clears His Throat, Gets Dropped by Record Label
"His distinctive sound is gone," says executive
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I hope you're not too disappointed that there aren't any articles to go with the headlines. I'll post the articles tomorrow.
Not really, though. I probably won't post anything tomorrow. But maybe I will. It's difficult to say. Grundir owes me a couple of memes, but he's been busy setting hobbit traps lately, so he may not have time. In any case, feel free to write your own articles in the comments if you want.
I'll definitely be back Friday with the caption contest results. Make sure you vote, if you haven't already.
Diesel out.
Humor-blogs.com peaked with Jerry McGuire.
Labels: Movies, News Briefs
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