Still, I can't help but feel like I've let you down -- And more importantly, I feel like I've let Huey down. Some standard-bearer for the Huey-Lewis-is-too-classic-rock movement I've turned out to be (Yes, I've had plenty of movements lately, but I don't think any of them were Huey).
I may not be able to make it up to Huey, but here's what I can do for you: For a limited time I'm lowering the price on my book, Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, to $9.95 with free shipping. That's right: until Friday, December 14 you can get Antisocial Commentary at $5.00 off the normal price. In fact, I'll even sign it* for you if you want. If you order Antisocial Commentary by December 14, I promise to get it to you before Christmas. They make great stocking stuffers for people with absurdly flat feet.
Look, I understand if you missed your chance to get a signed, discounted copy when the book first came out back in August. I'm not here to judge you. Maybe you only recently learned to read, or you're just really, really lame. There are plenty of good reasons why you would rather that I devote my life to helping a software behemoth take over the world instead of writing pithy little essays that bring people together through the miracle of laughter.But now you have a second chance, Jocelyn. (I've randomly picked the name "Jocelyn" to refer to people who make lame excuses for not buying my book even though I pretty much guarantee it's going to be the best $9.95 they've spent all year. It helps me to identify with my audience when I use a specific name like that.)
So just order the damn thing already. Seriously, I worked really hard on it and it's hella funny. And to top Joel Bezaire, author of Crummy Church Signs Volume 1, I'll donate all the profits to the cause of Huey. Well, ok, there aren't going to be any profits at this price, but I swear to you on the grave of Mario Cippollina that no matter how much money I lose I absolutely will not send Huey a bill. Like the man said, I'm takin' what they're givin' cuz I'm workin' for a livin.'
Let's see, what else? Maybe I should tell you a little more about the book. It's mostly about me and how great I am. I cover such topics as...
...how I came to be...Even Joel, who knows a little something about teh funny, gave it a thumbs up:
I have Woodstock to thank for my conception. My dad walked up to my mom, who was sitting on a blanket in the sun with flowers in her hair, and said, “Hey, are you done with that newspaper? I haven’t read today’s Peanuts. I love Snoopy’s little bird friend.” Well, it turned out that my mom hadn’t read it either, so there they sat, taking their break on a dumpster behind DOW chemical’s Agent Orange plant, reading Peanuts together. My mom took the vowels and my dad took the consonants, and just like that, it was love. Which was a good thing, because they had been married for six years.
...my positions on important issues...
I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and “the Heebie Jeebies.” I don’t think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too.
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...how much I love my family...
We pulled in at a suitably crummy motel called the Aloha – presumably because for any sane person pulling into this place, hello would also be goodbye. If there was a Hawaiian theme, I didn’t notice – unless the toilets in Hawaii make a horrific screeching sound that sounds like a hippopotamus gasping for air through a saxophone.
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...my exciting life...
I was accosted this morning by a large sea turtle. I had arisen early to steal the neighbor’s newspaper (I canceled my subscription when I learned the editor was a freethinker and a bigamist), and just as I stepped outside, I saw it. The turtle must have been a good 5 feet long and 3.5 feet wide (these are shell measurements), and I would estimate that it weighed at least 200 pounds. I certainly couldn’t lift him, and I’m hella strong. I attribute my exceptional strength to a daily regimen of vitamins and backgammon, although I’m also 1/32 Apache Indian, so that’s sort of an X factor.
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...and all the other stuff I know about...
You may object that such a solution is not “politically feasible.” To this I respond: Did John F. Kennedy pause to ask whether his plan was ‘politically feasible’ before committing 400 American “advisers” in an unwinnable conflict in Southeast Asia? No sir, he did not! And yet, JFK is revered as a hero for his exploits as captain of PT-109, demonstrating that if you have to go on a trip with a Kennedy, the surest way to avoid drowning is, ironically, to travel by boat.
What I appreciate about Diesel's sense of humor is that he never goes for the quick and easy laughs...but the laughs come quick and easy to the reader.... If you are a connoisseur of fine humor, or if you just like to laugh...this book is for you.To sum up, I'm like the Bill Maher of humor writers. Which is to say, whatever it is that Bill Maher is really good at -- perhaps being a giant ass -- I'm that good at humor writing. Also, I'm pretty much the humblest ever.
Ok, I'd better stop now. I'm still a little delirious from my illness earlier this week. I'm not positive, but I think I may have put on a puppet show starring a Cat5 cable and a laptop power cord at a staff meeting this morning. Their names were Catty and Powie, and they had differing views on the importance of power versus cooperation. I think I fell asleep before I got to the moral.
Anyway, buy the book. It's good. If you go to this page you can read all about it and even download the first few chapters. Then just click the big yellow Buy Now button and pay with PayPal. I think there's a box where you can specify inscription instructions. Otherwise just send me an email at diesel [at] mattresspolice.com and let me know what you want me to scribble on it. Give the gift of laughter to someone you love. And when you're done with that, please buy my book.
Wow, the room is spinning. Meet me back here tomorrow for the caption contest. Maybe around noon.
Ok, Jocelyn?
*All books will be signed upside down.
Labels: Antisocial Commentary
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