Fortunately, the Dark Ages of Publishing, during which only a few real geniuses like Herman Melville or Sidney Sheldon could get their works published, are over. Thanks to a technological revolution, getting published no longer means having to meticulously "set type," pore over "galleys," or have your writing "proofread." Today anybody can get published.
As evidence of this, I present to you Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, now available through Lulu.com. It's true that I'm also in talks with a "real" publisher, but the problem with "real" publishers is that they seem to be only interested in one of two things:1. Authors that people have heard of.
2. Books that have a "point."
I try to tell them that guys like Melville and Sheldon didn't become famous until after they were published (although I understand that Melville was pretty well known at the local pub for his dead-on Andrew Jackson impression), but they just don't get it. That means that to get published by a "real" publisher, I have to try to write a book focusing on a single topic. If you've read any of my posts, you know how hard that would be for me, as I often deal with as many as sixteen topics within a single paragraph.
My solution was to self-publish my book through Lulu.com. I received the first published copy of my book about a week ago, and I was thoroughly impressed. Who is this spirited young author, who writes like the unholy lovechild of Melville and Sheldon? I thought. Also, the print quality is top-notch. May I be stabbed in the eye with a rusty harpoon if it isn't indistinguishable from the type of book you would find at your local Megabookseller and Coffee Shop.
At first I was concerned about the "stigma" attached to self-publishing. But then I spent some time perusing the Lulu.com catalog, and my fears were allayed. These are some of the more promising titles I found:
The Laws of Paws and Claws - Numerology for Cats
A book written about Numerology for Cats with humor but with information about how to change your cat's name to improve his/her personality.
Is one of the recommended names "Free to a Good Home?"
Is one of the recommended names "Free to a Good Home?"
A Life in a Day: A Course in Amateur Traumatics
by Victor Rust
Do you have visions of being perfect? Have you ever been frustrated by the welter of self-help books, which are too lazy or lack crystallisation to actually help you directly? Do you want a quick fix to achieve that desired perfection? Do you always have so many questions running through your head when considering whether to buy a book or not? Then this is the book for you. In easy to understand – sort of – steps, the book guides you through the stages of a day (any day) and the issues that might impact on you and how you might best use them to your advantage. What is it about the self-help books that elevate this one to the top of the pile – even if what constitutes that pile is highly unpleasant? Well, you just don’t have to try too hard with this one and it is guaranteed effective (unless it isn’t, in which case, the guarantee is instantly null and void)!
As bad as you feel right now, at least you didn't write this.
ONE WAR
Slane is based on a Navy Seal who was ordered to rape women to death in Vietnam. He takes up a third of the book; the other novellas concern a poet and a scientist in a think tank. Somehow, there are a few laughs as well. Seriously. Not sicko laughs, either... really.
Stop me if you've heard the one about the Navy Seal who was ordered to rape women to death in Vietnam.
Stop me if you've heard the one about the Navy Seal who was ordered to rape women to death in Vietnam.
The Revenge of Resident Virus
…When the ingeniously devised operation to destroy the 586th computer, led by the resident with the tabel number K-817, failed, the heads could not recover for a long time. To make such an elementary error! This was inexcusable. And so, with the help of a bestial genetic engineering, a virus of the new generation was created – resident, incorruptible and cruel. Even more invulnerable and insidious than the previous versions. Without much thinking directors dubbed it K-818 – they had no strength left to devise a name for their new child. The operation, in principle, could not fail – they have envisaged all the possible and impossible attacks and withdrawals. All the errors have been taken into account and eliminated. The virus could have been called a zetta-version with pride, had he not been a simple program. Unfortunately, he had not…
Well, we're in agreement on one thing: Whatever it is, it needs to be stopped.
So obviously I'm in good company at Lulu.com. In fact, I'm wondering if anything in my book can top the sheer comic genius of cat numerology.
Anyway, thanks to everybody who took a chance on an unknown kid by pre-ordering Antisocial Commentary! I'll send you an email shortly with payment instructions, and you should get your copy/copies in a week or two. If you haven't ordered your copy yet, you can now order it directly from Lulu.com.
And maybe get a copy of that wacky death-rape book while you're at it.
Also, even if you've already ordered the book, I would be much obliged if you would go to the Lulu site and click the stars next to where it says "Rate this Item." The higher my rating, the more prominently my book will be displayed on the Lulu site. You don't even have to order it to rate it. You can also write a review if you want. Thanks!
Update 9:23 am: I just realized that you do have to create an account to rate the book. There isn't much to it though, and it's worth it to help out your old pal Diesel, right? Right.
I'll post the poll for the caption contest tomorrow. You have until tonight to get your captions in. Make me proud!
Humor-blogs.com once had an inauspicious number of kittens, but it drowned one in a burlap sack in the river and has had good luck ever since.
Labels: Antisocial Commentary, Books
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