Those of you who have been around since I started this site back in October know that my blog has always been in a constant state of evolution. I've tried a lot of different kinds of humor pieces, from one-liners to top ten lists to fake news stories. Frankly though, most of the posts I really enjoyed writing and feel good about are of the random nonsense variety. My very first post was a made-up account of my encounter with a sea turtle, and that post has set the tone for most of this blog. So you'll probably be seeing more stuff like this and this from now on.

Anyway, now that I've cleaned out my sock drawer, I realize that my mind is also cluttered with the seeds of a lot of fake news stories that I don't feel like writing. I like the idea of satirical news pieces, but they're kind of tedious to write -- and presumably to read. So I've decided to do another sock-drawer post of news items. I'll keep them short in deference to the attention spans of both the readers and the writer of this blog. I present to you the first entry in the Mattress Police News Briefs:

Barak Obama Hopes to Be First Creamy Eggnog President

It's no secret that Barack Obama has had his eye on being the first black president. Now, facing criticism that he is "not black enough," Obama has subtly shifted his strategy. "I've had several high level meetings with my advisors and the fine folks at Glidden," he said at a press conference this morning, "and I am confident based on their counsel that I am well-positioned to be the first Creamy Eggnog President." He assured a crowd that the shift would not affect his policies regarding non-Creamy Eggnog Americans.

Nickelback Determined to Be the "Next Nickelback"

Lately music industry gurus have been abuzz with the question: Who will be the next band to wear the wuss-rock crown? Contenders include Hinder and American Idol also-rans Daughtry and Bo Bice. Yesterday Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger did his best to put an end to the speculation. "There is only one real contender for the title of the "next Nickelback," and that's Nickelback. We were Nickelback when everybody thought we were the next Def Leppard, and we'll still be Nickelback when Daughtry is the next Creed," Kroeger said.

Axl Rose Admits "Chinese Democracy" Was a "Just a Joke"

Former Guns 'n' Roses lead singer Axl Rose made a startling announcement yesterday regarding the release of the perennially delayed album Chinese Democracy. "I meant it as a joke," he said. "I thought 'Chinese Democracy' was a fairly well known euphemism for something that was never going to happen. When people took me seriously, I had no choice but to play along." Rose first announced plans for the new GNR album in 1994. "I was going to call it Hell Freezes Over, but the Eagles beat me to it. And then they really confused things by actually releasing the album." Rose put to rest any speculation about the album. "There absolutely will be no GNR album called Chinese Democracy. Even if I did plan on recording another GNR album at one point -- which I didn't -- I simply wouldn't have time these days. All my energy is going into my solo project." Rose's first solo album, due to be released April first, 2008, is tentatively titled Pigs Fly.

House Passes Timetable for Withdrawing Support from Britney Spears

The House of Representatives today narrowly passed a resolution that sets a firm timetable for withdrawing support from Britney Spears. Dick Cheney harshly criticized the measure. "Britney is obviously not ready to stand on her own yet," Cheney argued. "If we give up now, we risk losing all of the time and energy we as a nation have invested in her." A slim majority in the House disagreed. "We all love Britney Spears and wish her the best," said Speaker Nanci Pelosi. "But at some point she needs to get her act together. Maybe this timetable will give her the push she needs."

Labels: News Briefs, Politics, Pop Culture, Satire