I read my reviews, such as they are. It’s probably a mistake, but I can’t help thinking that constructive criticism is always worth listening to. Now if someone would just give me some.
I’ve been getting a lot of of traffic from StumbleUpon lately, which presumably means that a lot of people are recommending my posts. Along with the recommendations, however, come critiques. Actually, not so much critiques as attacks. I get called an asshole a lot. I can kind of understand this, considering some of my posts, but sometimes I really don’t get it.
For example, there’s my Captain America post, which riled up the comic book fanatics. One of them called me a “smarmy asshole.” I mean, come on. I was poking fun at a fictional character. That qualifies me as an asshole? I’d hate to see the murderous rampage this guy would embark on if somebody looked at his sister funny.
Two other reviewers noted that I couldn’t be relied on to write insightful commentary on superheroes since I don’t read comic books. This is such a helpful bit of information that I provided it myself at the beginning of the post. So either these “reviewers”:
(1) Missed the first paragraph of the post.
(2) Read the first paragraph of the post and decided it would be a waste of time to read the rest, so they wrote a review of something they hadn’t read. In other words, they did exactly what they criticized me for doing.
(3) Read my initial warning, ignored it, and continued to read the rest of the post, after which they wrote a review adding nothing to my first paragraph.
The only conclusion that I can come to is that these people aren’t really interested in offering any helpful criticism or guidance to other readers. They are just looking for an excuse to tear another person down. This makes me sad, not because I take their vitriol to heart, but because it’s disheartening to realize that there are such people out there.
Then there was the post in which I complained about the unnecessary complexity of my car’s AC controls and my microwave. This one got me called “not very bright” and “retarded,” among other appellations. Now I’m not claiming to be a genius, but I’ve built a house and created the number one directory of humor blogs on the web, and I build applications for the world’s foremost internet company, so presumably I have at least some vague inkling of what goes into good design. And the really funny thing about that post is that it was prompted by a remark my older brother made about how ridiculously complicated the ventilation controls were in his car. My brother, in case you are wondering, is literally a rocket scientist. He used to work on, among other things, the navigation system for Air Force One.
A lot of reviewers responded with the acronym “RTFM,” which stands for Read the F___ing Manual. Right. Because whenever you borrow a friend’s car, the first thing you do is crack open the manual and spend half an hour familiarizing yourself with the climate control system. Look, if the average person (not to mention an idiot like myself) has to read a manual to turn on a car’s AC, then the car’s AC controls are too complicated. Period. Whether or not I’m a “douchebag” isn’t really relevant.One guy noted that he had never run across a microwave or ventilation system that took him more than ten minutes to figure out. Holy crap, ten minutes? In ten minutes I could start a fire with flint and steel and roast my Hot Pockets over an open flame. This is progress? I’m pretty sure that given enough duct tape and bailing wire, my brother the rocket scientist could build a microwave in ten minutes.
What bothers me most, though, isn't that some people don't like my writing; anyone who has aspirations of being a writer has got to be prepared for bad reviews. And I can accept it when some humorless dolt gets their panties in a bunch over a post about fat people or Harry Potter. What irritates me is that a lot of people act like I am somehow transgressing against them personally by having the gall to post something that they don't find particularly funny.
Reviewers will make enlightening comments like, "Douchebags like this are the reason the acronym 'RTFM' was invented. For f--k's sake." Or "whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy the F--K do I keep stumbling this garbage."
Here's the deal, guys. The world isn't obligated to entertain you. I write because I enjoy writing, and because a certain segment of the population seems to enjoy what I write. I have a little blog that has a few hundred readers. It's not like I'm Michael Bay or Thomas Kinkaid. It's pretty easy to avoid me if my creative endeavors don't give you the instant LOLCAT fun-gasm that you require. Just one click will take you to any of a million other sites, many of which have the pictures of cats wearing pajamas that you require.
And if you feel compelled to write a review, try actually writing something that has the faintest chance of giving other potential readers the information they need to make up their own minds. Here are some starter sentences, off the top of my head:
- This post is far too long. Get to the freaking point already.
- The author's self-obsession is somewhat disturbing, despite his basic mechanical proficiency with words.
- This writer has that annoying habit of using 'their' as a gender-neutral singular pronoun in their writing.
That's right, tedomatic, I'm talking to you. Grow up already. The world isn't one big XBox waiting to entertain you. And you, clkwhrr. I'd take your criticism a little more seriously if you could write a sentence without the word "f--k" in it. And ProjectSilence, greenchair, and all the other reviewers who seem to be cruising StumbleUpon during third grade recess. I dare all of you to create something for all the world to see, so that complete strangers can hurl insults at you for failing to entertain them. I frankly don't think you have the balls, much less the talent.
And to everybody else: Stumble this. I dare you.
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