Yes, it's time once again to clean out the disorganized sock drawer of my mind.------------------
One thing I've noticed when reading the obituaries is that a lot of people die after a "courageous battle with cancer." Nobody ever seems to die after a cowardly battle with cancer.
I hope I don't ever get cancer, because I'd completely wuss out and wreck humanity's unbroken streak of stalwart cancer patients. I'd be like, "Oh crap, is that cancer? Tell it I'm not home." Then I'd hide under the bed until it was gone. But eventually, after a long and spineless battle, I would succumb to cancer, and my friends would write an obituary that read, "Diesel died from cancer, the big pussy."
On the other hand, maybe there's a reason that all of the obituaries are about courageous cancer patients. Maybe only the courageous cancer patients die. So then the trick to surviving cancer would be to wuss out early on. There should be a special section of the paper devoted to people who wussed out in the face of cancer but didn't die: "Joe Smith found out he had cancer and cried like a little girl for three weeks. His family is happy to report that his cancer is now in remission, but they are also a little embarrassed about what a baby he was about the whole thing."
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The other day I heard an ad for Match.com in which they touted a new feature of their service, where you could get advice from "successful members of the Match.com community."
I'm curious about how they define "successful" in this context. I mean, is it just me, or is one key sign of success in a relationship the fact that you are no longer using an online dating service? In fact, the more experience someone has with Match.com, the more wary I would be of taking their advice. That's like Monster.com offering advice from chronically unemployed people.
Another promises that you would find "someone special" within six months or you'd get another six months of the service free. There's an incentive, eh? I know that if I just spent six months dating creepy losers, the one thing that would pull me out of my funk would be another six months dating creepy losers FOR FREE. And why don't they just give you twelve months up front? Are they afraid that you're going to find your soul mate in the first six months but then keep using the service for another six months just to stick it to them? "Sorry, honey. I know that we agreed to stay together forever, but I've got another six months of loser-dating to use up."
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I saw a display at Barnes & Noble recently of "16 month calendars." That's a great idea, isn't it? Now you only have to buy a calendar once every 1.33 years. I mean, assuming that somebody comes out with calendars that start with May. I guess that's how they get you.------------------
If you ordered cow tongue in a restaurant and the chef spit in your food, would you send it back?
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I tend to throw my clothes on the floor rather than hanging them up, so I have this spray bottle of stuff called "Wrinkle Releaser" that I use sometimes. I like the fact that it's called "Wrinkle Releaser" rather than "Anti-Wrinkle Spray" or "Wrinkle Eradicator." It makes me wonder where the wrinkles are being released to. I like to imagine a land where wrinkles run free in fields of wildflowers. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see it.
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I had a doctor's appointment a few days ago to get my cholesterol checked. I noticed that they stuck up a big sign that says "WE WILL NOW ONLY CALL YOU IF YOUR TESTS RESULTS ARE ABNORMAL." I guess that means they won't call you unless there is a problem, but wouldn't it be cool if they would also call to congratulate you on test results that are way better than normal?
"Hello, Diesel, this is Dr. Evans. I just wanted to call you about your fantastic cholesterol levels. Your bad cholesterol is virtually nonexistent, your good cholesterol is the highest we've ever seen, and in fact we've discovered an entirely new type of cholesterol in your blood that has the potential to cure several forms of cancer! Not the kind you have, unfortunately. Oh, did I mention you have cancer?"
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Labels: Sock Drawer
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