“Cast it into the Crack of Mount Doom, you fool!” I howled at my Nazgul minion. Then I burst into a fit of giggles, because I can’t say “Crack of Mount Doom” without laughing. Grundir tolerates this with admirable aplomb. Being dead for 900 years gives you a certain amount of patience.“It’s bears the ominous mark of Brent Diggs, m’lord,” rasped Grundir.
“Ah yes,” I said. “The universally recognized Giant Malformed Spermatazoan of Brent Diggs!”
“I believe it is a comma, sir. An Ominous Comma.”“I know what a comma looks like!” I snapped. “Why, my gentle wraith, surely you’re aware of my affinity for the comma, the most sublime of punctuation marks, the enabler of superfluous modifiers, the – ”
“Indeed, m'lord. Shall I bury this meme in the orchard with the ditch digger?”
“It’s called a shovel, worm-brain.”
“No, m’lord, I mean…”
“Silence, fool! I must maintain plausible deniability. No, my rotted friend, I shall answer this meme. Read it to me, please. My eyes fail me in this light.”
“As I’ve tried to tell you, m’lord, your perpetually tinted glasses –”
“I’ll perpetually tint you if you don’t start reading, Stiffy.”
“It reads, ‘In my brief foray onto the internet I have –’”
“Good lord, how long is this thing? Cut to the part with Liv Tyler already!”
“He wants you to write something funny and yet educational. To impart some of your wisdom about blogging to the masses, if you will.”
“Brilliant! I shall give the masses Ten Tips on Writing a Funny Blog Post.”“Excellent, m’lord.”
“Tip number one: Self-reference is always funny.”
“I’m sorry, m'lord. Would you care to elaborate?”
“Yes, take this down: ‘As you know, my Meme-Wraith, Grundir the Implacable, generally dispatches all troublesome rodents and…’ Wait, how many commas is that?”
“Three, m’lord.”
“Ok, good enough. Point number two: Don’t belabor a joke. Stop right before the reader understands what you’re doing. Good readers like to think a little. And bad readers, well, f—k ‘em. Except don’t write ‘f—k.’ Put dashes in the middle or something.”
“Very good, m’lord. What else?”
“Point four: Writing a post in dialog form automatically makes it 43.7% funnier. Oh, and point five: Needless, unjustifiable precision is also funny.
“Point six. Wait, I’m not sure about point three. Strike that one for now. Remind me to come back to it later.”
“As you wish, m’lord.”
"Where was I?"
"Point six."
"Right, point six. Sprinkle your post with obscure pop culture references. They'll go over the heads of a lot of your readers, but the real Ainur will eat it up. Point seven. Make fun of yourself, but don’t be too obvious about it. Make yourself out to be a huge ass, even if you’re really a nice guy. Of course, it works better if you really are a huge ass, like me. Am I talking too fast for you, Casper?”
“No, m’lord.”
“Point eight: Give yourself a straight man. Somebody the readers can identify with. But somebody who doesn’t seem very relatable at first glance. Toy with the readers’ expectations a bit.”
“Very good, m’lord. I never could have devised such a brilliant notion.”
“Of course not. You’re a 900 year old medieval jerkwad who sold his soul for something shiny. And finally, point nine: Always leave the reader wanting more. Now slap the Mattress Police seal on that baby and send it back to Diggs. We’ll show him what a real blogging insignia looks like. No sperm for us!”“Of course not, m’lord.”
“On second thought, throw a little sperm on that baby. Can’t hurt.
“Yes, m’lord.”
For this non-meme, I anoint the following individuals:
1. Dave Barry
2. Sinister Dan
3. Scott Adams
4. Ecstatic Wavelength Lady
5. David Sedaris
6. Sue Piltdown
7. Bill Watterson
8. Leigh (on the condition that she does not offer any boob-related advice or pictures)
9. Voltaire
10. Jocelyn Hergenfliffer
*Pronounced "CHEEZ"
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Labels: Blogging, Meme Wraith, Memes
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