I am Grûndir the Implacable, Nazgûl and meme wraith. You may know me as one of the nine dark riders who once served the Dark Lord Sauron. Since my beloved homeland of Mordor was overrun by hobbits, I have served as the chief meme-dispatcher at the Mattress Police headquarters.The premises have been quiet of late, as few dare risk my wrath. Recently, however, this blog was tagged by both Claire and Pope Terry with the Six Word Memoir meme. By my accounting, this allots me twelve words with which to pen a memoir covering my nine hundred year existence. That is just over one word per century. It will be difficult to sum up such an eventful and tragic life in only a dozen words, but I shall do my best:
To know the true price of blingYou see, I have used the word ‘ring’ to denote two distinct concepts, thereby compressing a greater volume of ideas into fewer words. Also, it rhymes. Fear my poetic virtuosity!
Just give me a ring
I apologize if I have failed to dispatch any other memes recently. I’m afraid my master Diesel has had me on hobbit detail, so I am not always aware when a meme rears its ugly head.
Truth be told, I have not seen any hobbits for some time, so I am a bit puzzled as to why my master has me patrolling the grounds with my Morgul blade at the ready. I am under order to slay any small, hairy mammals that I come across, but so far I have encountered only gophers – and on one occasion, a confused and frightened teenager digging crooked trenches near my master’s abode. I held high my blade and put forth a challenge.
“Why, oh benighted youth, dost thou dig such crooked trenches?”At this point a smote the youth on the base of his skull with the pommel of my blade. My expert blow caused him to slump perfectly into the meandering trench. I would have covered him with earth, but oh! how I detest digging. Generally I employee cave trolls or dwarves for such labor.
“Please, dark one,” responded the youth, “I have been instructed to dig trenches here by Lord Diesel.”
“Surely Lord Diesel instructed you to dig straight trenches?”
“No, your wraithfulness, he did not. He instructed me only to dig a trench from this point here, to that point, over there.”
“I see. So it was of your own volition that you decided to incorporate seventy three other points that the master did not specify?”
“My own vol-what?”
“Hark! A balrog doth approach from the east!”
“A what does what from where?”
“Just look over there.”
Having dispatched the callow youth, I noticed a foul stench emanating from a deeper section of the trench. It appeared that the young man had, in the course of his aimless digging, unearthed some ancient and unspeakable evil! It was this:
Sadly, since the fall of Mordor I am unable to access the funds in my Bank of Mordor account, so providing this information to you would be of little use. It occurs to me, however, that... no, I shall not entertain such foolish vanities.
Ah, but now I have piqued your curiosity, and I would be remiss if I did not complete the thought. You see, because of the political situation in Mordor, I am unable to claim the vast treasures stored up in the vaults of Minas Morgul. If, however, (and understand that I am by no means asking for you to do this!), someone outside of Mordor were to request that the treasures be transported to their own account... well, you see where I'm going with this. It's a foolish notion, although I would of course allow anyone assisting me in this manner to keep a large portion of the treasure. I would only need your bank account number, and I would take care of the rest.While I am on the subject, I am also in possession of a large cache of herbal remedies which are guaranteed to help you maximize the reach of your Morgul blade, if you get my meaning. Email me at Grundir -at- mattresspolice.com if you're interested. If you doubt the efficacy of these remedies, note that I am also the recipient of the Perfect Post Award from Magneto Bold Too!
In addition, the Republic of Iceland has honored me by naming one of their cities after me!
I assume that this is a misguided effort to lure me to Iceland to assist the government with their Hobbit Abatement Program. Still, the gesture is appreciated. Therefore, for all of these memes I tag the Ice Queen, who, judging from her last posting date, may have been trampled by a glacier.
That is all, mortals!
| If you enjoyed this post, may I also recommend: Uncover more unspeakable evils at Humor-blogs.com. |
Labels: Meme Wraith
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