A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 7574475819064837634 Sock Drawer 2008/05/#7574475819064837634 2008-05-26

It's probably a good thing that Santa Claus isn't a Muslim, because when you live at the North Pole, it's really hard to face east five times a day.

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I hate Vegans. I don't mind regular vegetarians so much, but there is a certain smugness about vegans that irritates me. Like, "All I ate today was peat moss and tree bark. I'm saving the planet and my colon smells like a pine forest. I hope you enjoyed your bacon double cheeseburger." I already have a plan for getting revenge. I'm going to start a farm that grows organic vegetables that are fertilized with ground up baby seals.

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Sometimes when I'm at an intersection with a four way stop, I wish that cars had a blinker for going straight. I mean, you can assume that the guy across from you is going to go straight if he isn't signaling that he's going to turn, but occasionally somebody will forget to signal and then they'll suddenly turn left in front of you. It would be nice if there was a signal for "Yes, I'm definitely going straight here." On the downside, you'd have old people taking all the freeway exits with their straight blinker on.

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I'm not a gambler, but somebody told me that they now have ATM machines integrated into slot machines in Las Vegas. So if you lose all your money, you can just push a few buttons and get more. It seems to me that the next step would be to add an element of gambling to using an ATM machine. You'd hit the button to withdraw $40, and $40 would get deducted from your account, but maybe you'd get $400 instead. Or maybe you'd get $5. Or nothing. Sure, it's stupid. But also exciting!

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A few weeks ago a movie called Next came out on DVD. It stars Nicolas Cage, Jessica Biel and Julianne Moore. I want to know what producer greenlit that project. Who sees that cast list and thinks, "With the stars of Wicker Man, Stealth, and, um, whatever big movie Julianne Moore has been in, we can't miss!" Even the title sounds like they gave up halfway through.

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The other day I saw a car with one of those "In memory of ..." decals on the back window. This is the new big thing in California: being commemorated with a cheesy sticker on the back of somebody's crappy old car. In case this wasn't tasteless enough, this car also sported a pair of those novelty testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. I wanted to ask the driver if he had the rest of the body in the trunk.

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My kids always like it when I drive really fast up our driveway. "Go fast! Go fast!" they yell, and I pound the accelerator -- to Mrs. Diesel's chagrin. A few days ago, after one of these episodes, my 6 year old daughter handed me a scrap of paper with some scribbles on it. "It's a speed ticket," she said.

"What?!" I exclaimed. "I went fast like you told me, and this is the thanks I get?"

"No," she said. "It's the good kind of speed ticket. It lets you go as fast as you want."

Now wouldn't that be sweet?


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