A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 7457044145799343209 Does Not Compute 2008/05/#7457044145799343209 2008-05-12 At my first “real” job, doing technical support for a software company, I worked with a guy who used to make all sorts of ill-thought-out claims. His claim to have invented a perpetual motion machine even made it into my book.

One time this guy stated – pretty much out of the blue, as I recall – that he thought metaphors were pointless. He didn’t understand why people used metaphors rather than just coming out and saying what they meant.

Now this is a stupid thing for anyone to say, but it’s particularly stupid for someone who works as a computer support technician. As confusing as technology can be, try explaining to someone how to save a document in a folder in Windows without using any metaphors (hint: you can’t use the words ‘document,’ ‘folder,’ or ‘windows.’)

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that my co-worker was on to something. A big part of our job was to explain to people what was wrong with their computers, and this task is made much simpler when one refuses to use any metaphors.

You want to know why your computer isn’t working? I’ll tell you why. First of all, it won’t boot up. ‘Booting’ is short for ‘boot-strapping,’ which refers to the act of ‘pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps.’ That’s a metaphor. Computers don’t have boots, much less boot straps, and they certainly can’t pull themselves up by them.

Your computer is not exactly on the cutting edge. It is incapable of understanding any commands you issue to it. It won’t even respond to a ping.

Your computer has no software installed on it. Installing is something you do to sinks and alternators.

Your computer can’t display windows. It has no available memory. It has no free space on its hard drives. None of its devices have drivers.

Your computer can’t talk to your printer, your monitor, your digital camera, or any other devices connected to it. It has no documents, spreadsheets, or any other types of files stored on it, and no folders or directories to put them in. Not even a recycle bin. Your computer might be able to print, but not in landscape or portrait settings. Good luck with that.

Your computer can’t connect to the web or any other networks. You can’t upload or download anything. You can’t visit any sites because you can’t send any data packets over any pipes, no matter what port you specify. Your computer doesn’t recognize any other computers in the domain. It can’t even use dialup. You can’t log in because won’t accept your password. It is incapable of acting as a client, server, or peer. It can’t share data. Your computer has no bandwidth. Not only can you not send any emails with attachments, you can’t send mail at all.

The upside is that your computer has no viruses. Not a single trojan or worm. No spyware has been installed on it. You have received no suspicious cookies. You have received no junk mail or spam.

Your computer’s drives do not need to be defragmented. Its firewall has not been breached, and you do not need a better virus shield. It does not have registry rot. It has no bugs. It is not acting up, it has not gone haywire, and it is not on its last legs.

To be honest, I really can’t tell you what’s wrong with you computer right now. Ping me later and maybe I’ll have the bandwidth to look into it.

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