Cyborgs and androids. Here's the deal: Cyborgs resent their human makers and will eventually turn on them. It is an open question whether androids dream of electric sheep, but it is a known fact that cyborgs dream only of the eradication of the human species. And sometimes that they are running.
Bison and buffalo. Despite the fact that buffalo and bison are two completely different things, they cannot tell each other apart. This causes no end of trouble for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, which insists on lumping them together -- flouting the clear distinction made by the always authoritative Wikipedia. The easiest way to tell these two proud animals apart is to carry a buffalo nickel with you for reference. It has a picture of a bison on it.
Pumas, cougars, panther and mountain lions. In stark contrast to the bison/buffalo, there is a definite pecking order among these biologically identical cats. Panthers -- or, as they prefer to be called, panzers -- are the aristocrats among the species puma concolor. Mountain lions are next, and the poor under-appreciated cougars at the bottom of the hierarchy are considered to be just below chimpanzees and little better than human beings.
Ophthalmologists and optometrists. Many people think that it takes more schooling to be an ophthalmologist than to be an optometrist. This incorrect belief probably arose from the fact that it takes the average person roughly six weeks to learn to spell ophthalmologist. In fact, however, the relationship between optometrists and ophthalmologists is analogous to the relationship between scientists and Scientologists: Optometrists scoff at ophthalmologists while secretly envying their dark magic and sports cars.
Scientists and Scientologists. Generally speaking, you shouldn't trust anyone who feels the need to add an "olog" to their title. For example, a psychiatrist can actually help you with your problems, whereas a psychologist can only write your problems down in a notebook until they have enough material for a screenplay. Similarly, it is foolish to rely on astrology when the magic of astronomers has been proven to be at least three times stronger.
The best example of this principle is the distinction between scientists and Scientologists. Scientists believe in the furthering of human knowledge through the observation of mice running through mazes. Scientologists believe in the furthering of Scientology through the observation of Tom Cruise jumping on couches.
Ships and boats. The oft-heard rule of thumb to distinguish ships and boats is that "you can put a boat on a ship, but you can't put a ship on a boat." This is a fine rule in theory, but unless you have a pretty good idea which is which beforehand, employing this test will result in a badly damaged boat much of the time. Moreover, even if you manage to get one vessel on top of the other, there are still three possibilities: boat on ship, boat on boat, and ship on ship. All you've really established is that if only one of the vessels is a ship, it's not the one on top.
Your best bet is to avoid situations where you may be expected to know the difference. This is easier said than done, especially if you are the valet at the Puget Sound Ship and Boat Club and Captain Hazelwood has just asked you to pull his ship around.
In this case, I recommend employing a handy trick that has been used since the time of the Vikings: Always carry a small plastic ship in your pocket. That way you can argue that any vessel you are on must be a ship, because how could it be a boat if you put a ship on it? And if that fails to mollify Captain Hazelwood, you can give him the little toy ship. Everybody loves little toy ships.Its/It's. This one has plagued mankind since about the 3rd grade. Just remember that it's is a contraction of it is, and like all contractions it has an apostrophe. Another good rule of thumb regarding contractions is that if they're closer than three minutes apart, you should get to the hospital.
Its, on the other hand, is possessive. Very possessive. Just try borrowing a copy of Catcher in the Rye from its sometime, and you'll see what I mean. Linguistic psychologists think that its' possessiveness stems from the fact that it has always felt that it's' apostrophe rightfully belonged to it. "'Its' isn't fair," is its' plaintive cry in its its/it's debate with its rival it's, but "its" is its fate.
Tories and Whigs. There is a simple mnemonic device to tell these two historically important political parties apart: For the Tories, think of Tori Spelling, who was the daughter of Aaron Spelling, the creator of Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island starred Ricardo Montalban, who went on to play Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Khan was the captain of the S.S. Botany Bay. Botany Bay is in Australia, which was originally a British Penal Colony. England is part of Great Britain. Therefore, the Tories have something to do with England.
For the Whigs, you should also think of Tori Spelling, but wearing a wig.
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Labels: What's the difference
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