I’ve been thinking about going to a chiropractor, but with my luck I’d get somebody who slept through How to Not Paralyze People class. So as a sort of compromise between incessant whining and possibly becoming a quadriplegic, I’ve been getting occasional massages.
My massage therapist, despite the fact that she shares a last name with a famous movie serial killer, is pretty good. One of the things about people in quasi-medical professions, of course, is that they are required to master the art of speaking in pseudo-scientific language. Toxins is a favorite word, generally used to explain why you feel even worse after the treatment. “You may be nauseous for next several hours, but that’s just because of the toxins being released.” (As a side note, I knew guys in college who used that line on remorseful women who woke up next to them after a party. “It’s ok, baby. That’s just the toxins you’re feeling.”)
A friend of mine recently went to get acupuncture for some wrist pain. She got really sick afterwards, but this was – of course – explained by the release of toxins that had presumably been building up in the wrist area. My friend, who had spent years building up that delicate balance of toxins, was understandably annoyed. I believe her exact words were, “Why you gotta be messin’ with my toxins?”I don’t doubt that there is some bad shit that builds up in one’s body that can be released by these treatments. What I have a problem with is the word toxins. Toxin just means “poison.” So why don’t they just say “poison”? I’ll tell you why: because poison is such a harsh, specific word. That’s the kind of word that makes people ask questions, like “Why the f--- do I have poison in my body? Is someone trying to kill me?”
Toxins, on the other hand, is imprecise yet scientific-sounding. We’ve all come to accept a world filled with toxins – vaguely threatening chemical compounds that waft invisibly through our air, probably as a result of Hiroshima or whatever freak accident produced the Doodlebops.
Modern medicine is, of course, powerless to assist us in ridding our bodies of toxins. For that, we must seek holistic treatment and then drink some completely absurd quantity of water. I think it’s up to 800 glasses a day now. The only way to be sure that you’re completely free of toxins, in fact, is to get impaled with needles in the morning and then spend the rest of the day in the bathroom, simultaneously gulping down water and peeing out toxins. It is rumored that a man in Thailand has, by employing this method, reached the ripe old age of 247. Unfortunately he is not available for interviews.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: The next time someone uses the word toxins, replace the word in your mind with evil spirits. If it makes just as much sense, then the person doesn’t know what they are talking about. For example:“You may feel ill for several hours after I have slathered your body with a mixture of pork fat and cat urine. This is because this age old treatment releases evil spirits which have been trapped in your joints. After the treatment, the evil spirits are free to intermingle with your bodily humors, causing an imbalance in your chi. To rid your body of the evil spirits, you must fill your pockets with salt and then spin in circles until you vomit and fall over. Also, drink lots of water.”
On the other hand, the evil spirits hypothesis still makes more sense than the idea that all illnesses are caused by “subluxations of the spine,” which is why I’m avoiding going to a chiropractor. I mean, for pete’s sake, Firefox doesn’t even recognize subluxation as a word. Shouldn’t that tell me something? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life blowing myself around in an automatic wheelchair, thinking, “Firefox tried to warn me, but did I listen? Nooooo.”
In any case, the massages seem to be helping. I had one yesterday, and I’m feeling almost back to normal. I’m just hoping that the pain doesn’t suddenly resurface in some completely different area of my body again.
Those toxins can be crafty little devils.
Humor-blogs.com never has an imbalance of humors.
Labels: Rants
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