My answer is that Mrs. Diesel and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day.
This statement is greeted with predictable disbelief. "But you have to get her something."
"No, I don't. She told me not to get her anything."
Then comes the inevitable tsk-tsking (and let's say it altogether now): "She says she doesn't want you to get her anything, but you know she really wants something." This is followed by a dissertation on what a Foolish, Naive Husband I am for not reading between the lines of "Seriously. Don't get me anything. It's a stupid holiday. Don't get me anything. Really."
So here's the deal: While I appreciate your presumption that you have a better understanding of my 15 year relationship with my wife than I do, the fact is that Mrs. Diesel is neither a materialistic whore who trades affection for candy and flowers, nor a sub-lingual beast who is incapable of communicating her feelings in anything other than barely comprehensible grunts.
I have joked about the differing modes of communication employed by men and women, but the fact is that Mrs. Diesel and I are in perfect agreement on this issue. Valentine's day is a stupid, fabricated holiday. One year I actually had her write me a note that I could show to all the women in the office: "I told Diesel not to get me anything for Valentine's Day because I think it's a stupid holiday."
I mean, let me get this straight: This is a special day to celebrate our love for each other -- a love so unique and enduring that it can only be expressed by the delivery of shiny trinkets and dead flowers at the prodding of greedy retailers. Got it.
(In the interest of full disclosure, I was planning on giving Mrs. Diesel a gift of sorts this year, but it didn't work out. I've been working on my impression of Eddie Vedder singing "Do You Believe in Love?", and I was planning on recording it and leaving it on Mrs. Diesel's voicemail, but despite singing myself hoarse on the way to work I still haven't nailed the chorus.)
And yes, I feel pretty much the same way about Christmas. Unfortunately, the Christmas machine is too all-encompassing for Mrs. Diesel and me to do much about it. But Valentine's Day? That's just for us, baby. It's all about expressing our love for each other in the face of an uncaring, materialistic world. And we've decided to express our love for each other by giving a hearty f--- you to the Valentine's Day machine.
Mrs. Diesel and I have even created our own holiday. It's called Inappropriate Card Day, and it's on February 26. We've been celebrating it every year since 1992, and last year we went public with it. The full story is here. This is an abbreviated version:
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Our first date was the week before Valentine's Day. This put me in an awkward position. I had been trying to ingratiate myself with this girl for a couple weeks now, and I wasn't entirely sure that she wasn't just humoring me. I wanted to do something for Valentine's Day that indicated I liked her without scaring her off.
I honestly don't remember what I ended up doing. I may have just called her, or gotten her some lame-ass card. But I remember feeling cheated by circumstances. I was in love with her, and I felt constrained not to demonstrate it on the one day that I should have been able to go crazy. Not that I'm a big fan of Valentine's Day; as a rule I don't like having my behavior dictated by the Hallmark corporation. But I would have made an exception for her, if I didn't think that I'd have scared the bejesus out of her.
My solution was to say, essentially, "Screw Valentine's Day. Screw Hallmark. And screw American Greetings too, while we're at it." I made up my own holiday.
On February 26, I slipped a card under my future wife's door. It was a "Happy Birthday Grandson" card. I wrote "Happy Inappropriate Card Day!" on the inside. And a new tradition was born.
Every year, my wife and I exchange inappropriate cards. One year she got me a sympathy card. One year it was a little kid's birthday card, with Bambi on the front. The caption was, "Kinda wobbly, aren't you?" I think last year I got her a card that said "Happy Father's Day from both of us." My best effort was the time I stopped at a gas station on the way home from work and got her a postcard with the windmills from Altamont Pass on it. "Wish you were here," I wrote.You can give an inappropriate card to anyone. There are no rules. Well, except for the fact that the card has to be completely inappropriate -- and not risque inappropriate; that's too easy. It has to be a card that would be perfectly appropriate for someone other than the recipient, preferably on a completely different day.
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So that's the story. Inappropriate Card Day is just as arbitrary as Valentine's Day, but the great thing about it is that it's the one holiday that the greeting card companies can't make a card for. You can just use a card from your reject pile, or grab one from the bargain bin. Hell, you can use the Ace of Spades for all I care.
Inappropriate Card Day is February 26. Celebrate it with someone you love.
At humor-blogs.com, it's Inappropriate Card Day every day.
Labels: Inappropriate Card Day, Mrs. Diesel
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