I apologize for my long absence. Diesel's estate seems to have developed a bit of a hobbit problem, and my lord insists that I deal with them. He won't admit it, but I suspect that he still feels a little bad about accidentally clubbing that troop of boy scouts to death with a shovel.I have since taught him a handy rhyme to distinguish boy scouts from hobbits:
If it's helpful and nice, you should look twiceStill, my master remains a bit shovel-shy, so I am left to deal with the matter. Filthy creatures, tearing up our garden and keeping my lord awake at night with their homoerotic pledges of loyalty to each other. I shall slay them all!
But if the feet are hairy, first whack and then bury
Not that there's anything wrong with their being gay. I'm totally ok with their gayness. I hate all small mammals equally, regardless of their color or orientation.Bah! Enough of this talk of filthy halflings. On to the matter at hand. As you no doubt are aware, I am Grundir the Implacable, Nazgul and meme-wraith. My duties at Diesel's estate, in addition to vermin control, include dealing with any pesky memes that have been inflicted upon this blog. My master's record keeping leaves something to be desired, but as far as I can tell I have three memes to deal with:
First, Red Mojo of Half a Bubble Off has given me the You Make My Day award. This puzzles and enrages me, as I have devoted my existence to destruction and spreading misery. Knowing that I have made your day only increases the torment of my living death. You have made me day as well, Red Mojo. You have made it a LIVING HELL.
An Irrelevant Cheetah has given me a purple lion in a post about baby porcupines. I am predictably confused and enraged by this. Not an animal person.Zhu from Some Spanish Name asks me what I learned in 2007. What have I learned in 2007? What have I learned? Is it not enough that I am sentenced to an existence of unspeakable torment with no foreseeable end? Now I am expected to learn something every year as well? What is this, high school?
I will tell you what I have learned. I have learned that 2007 is half of 4014. I have learned that it's one fourth of 8028. I have learned that it's one tenth of 20070. I have learned that no matter how many days I suffer, there will always be an endless array of more days waiting for me, each filled with meaninglessness and agony. Oh, and also that cleaning windows with newspaper instead of paper towels prevents streaks. Plus, you're recycling.
For these memes, I tag Gollum, Boromir, Eomer, Theoden and the original lineup of Jefferson Starship. I trust that none of you will disappoint!
That is all for now, mortals. I must go check my hobbit traps. Sometimes when the trap snaps shut, the prongs will miss all of the vital organs and the hobbit will just lie there, screaming for days until it slowly bleeds to death, and I'm afraid that's something I really don't want to miss.I will see you again when my master next calls upon me. Until then, remember to stand up straight and avoid using words like "elevensies." I bid you farewell.
Humor-blogs.com is littered with dead hobbits.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Meme Wraith
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