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Anyway, occasionally I'll get a comment like this one:
Great idea. Are you going to run for president? I'd vot for you.Which, frankly, is a little disheartening, and not just because I don't know what votting is. You see, I am running for president, and have been for some time now. I guess with all the Huey hubbub and caption contests and whatnot, my message isn't really getting out.
I think part of the problem is that I'm not actually running in the current presidential election. As I wrote back in July:
Campaign season gets longer and longer with every election, and using simple high school calculus and some PhD-level guesswork, I have extrapolated from current trends to determine that by the year 2020 campaign season will be roughly thirteen years long. In other words, to have a chance of winning the presidency in 2020, a candidate will have to have begun campaigning no later than 3 o'clock this afternoon.I guess it's just going to take a while for votters to get used to overlapping presidential elections. The campaign has also hit a few speed bumps, such as the notorious bubble wrap incident.
If only there was some way to capture the heady idealism and enthusiasm of the early days of the Diesel in 2020 campaign. I recently went back and read some notes I jotted down when I first started down this long journey to the presidency, and I was moved to tears by the heartfelt sentiment and utter lack of any salvageable ideas.
One of the problems with running a 13 year campaign is that by the time the election rolls around, the issues that you originally built your campaign on have generally either worked themselves out or gotten so out of hand that you'd be crazy to bring them up.
I've decided, therefore, to be the Gridlock Candidate. I vow that if I am elected president, absolutely nothing will be accomplished during my tenure. No new taxes, no new programs, no tax cuts, no 'reforms.' I might start a war or two, but not until I've finished the ones we've already got going.
Look, the fact is that we have way too many laws in this country already. Surely some of the problems that those laws were intended to address have either been solved to everyone's satisfaction or aren't going away ever. Take prostitution, for example. Every once in a while our local paper publishes the photos of local women who have been arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Now I don't want to be too hard on these women; clearly their lives did not turn out the way they imagined when they were huffing paint behind the middle school gymnasium. But let's think about this: If you're a man who is willing to pay good money to risk getting a life-threatening disease from Miss Methamphetamine 1992, the threat of a night in the pokey probably isn't going to keep you off the streets.At the very least, I think we should have a constitutional amendment requiring that we repeal two laws for every new law that gets passed. Oh, and in case you're thinking, "Ok, so are you going to repeal two existing constitutional amendments before you pass this new one?" Why, yes I am, smart guy. I'm going to repeal both the 18th and the 21st amendments, thereby repealing both prohibition and the repeal of prohibition. Trust me, it makes sense once you've had a few drinks.
In California, we even pass laws to solve nonexistent problems. For example, a few years ago we passed a ballot proposition that outlawed selling horse meat for consumption by humans. I'm not sure what college hazing ritual prompted this ban, but it was overwhelmingly supported by Californians, who must have thought they were striking a blow against the budding horseburger industry.The San Francisco Chronicle noted at the time:
There is no formal campaign against the measure, but critics point out that there are no slaughterhouses in California that process horses, and that horsemeat is not generally available for purchase.So basically people voted a proposition into law because, goshdarnit, people like horsies. That's democracy in action, folks.
I've done some research into ridiculous laws, and I was amazed at what I found. Here are some samples:
- In Australia, it is illegal to sell a car with a dead haberdasher in the trunk.
- It is illegal in Hungary to castrate a monkey without permission from its owner.
- Ohio state law prohibits flying a stolen kite.
- In Boston, it is illegal to stab a sitar player while he is playing.
- In Mexico, it is against the law to fake a seizure in order to facilitate a bank robbery.
- It is against the law in Tennessee to pay a prostitute with chicken dumplings.
- In Scotland, it is illegal to attempt to pass off photocopies of your bum as legal tender.
Get out there and vote for me (in 12 years) and together we won't get anything done!
Humor-blogs.com does so little it's not even funny.]]>