A description of my blog.http://www.my-site.com7900377014539719531The Dance of the Ten Problems2008/01/#7900377014539719531
2008-01-02
Wow, where does the time go? According to Steve Miller, it keeps slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future, but then he also spoke of the pompitous of love, so that tells you how much he knows.
2008. What is up with that? When I was growing up, it was kind of assumed that time would never progress beyond 1999. That's why we made everything out of styrofoam and dumped our motor oil behind the garage. In science fiction movies and pop songs, 1999 was the cutoff for a mythical future that would never actually arrive. In 1975 there was a TV show called Space:1999 that was so horrendously bad that the writers clearly didn't expect human civilization to last until next Thursday, much less the next millennium. We were so sure that the world was going to end before 2000 that we even made up a fake crisis called Y2K in the hopes that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then 2000 came and went, a year so dull that Wikipedia lists the Broadway opening of Seussical as one of its key events.
So here we are, nine years into the future, and what do we have to show for it? Hand-held GPS units. Fantastic. Now I can know exactly where I am when I'm stuck in traffic because I STILL DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' JETPACK.
Anyway, it's that time again. Yes, those of you who have followed this blog from its infancy will recall that at the beginning of the new year, I descend from the lofty heights of my ivory tower of sarcasm to solve one of the major outstanding problems of the previous year.
As I wrote at the end of last year:
Every year on this date I write down the ten biggest unresolved problems of the outgoing year on small pieces of paper and throw them in a hat. Then I put the hat on my head and dance around the house in my bathrobe to the strains of Journey's Separate Ways until all of the scraps fall out except for one. The last remaining problem is the one that I will solve, for the benefit of mankind. This year's big problems include global warming, the cancellation of Arrested Development, and that popping sound that my sternum is making these days when I move too suddenly. Most of the rest of the problems are related to some trouble spot in the world, such as Darfur, Afghanistan, or I-580 between Pleasanton and Livermore.
Last year's winning problem was Iraq, my solution to which was, of course, to sell the U.S. military to the oil companies. I can't be blamed for the fact that nobody listened to me. Let's hope those in positions of power don't make that mistake again.
Having once again written down the world's biggest problems and placed them in a velvet fedora, I shall now proceed to dance gaily about my furniture and pets. Dance along if you like.
Whew, I really need to start working out. That video, by the way, is irrefutable evidence that the primary qualification to be a music video director in 1983 was the ability to borrow your dad's camera.
Ok, so this year's problem to be solved by me is (air drum roll please)...
The weak U.S. dollar!
Oh geez. Really? I was kind of hoping for something a little more interesting, like, for example, anything else. But again, rules are rules.
So the problem is that the dollar has lost a lot of its value in relation to other currencies, even made-up ones like the Euro. This is a problem because, well, now if I want to travel to one of those countries, it's more expensive. Of course, I never go anywhere, so I don't really care about that. And people who have enough money to take trips to Europe or whatever can just suck it.
A weaker dollar also supposedly means that stuff imported from other countries is more expensive. Which is why, I suppose, Wal-Mart is hurting so badly. Since there are no buyers for cheap Chinese crap any more, they have no choice but to buy their cheap crap from American manufacturers.
That doesn't sound right. Hmmm. Are we sure this is actually a problem?
Oh, I know! How about the national debt, which is denominated in dollars. It's up to about $9 trillion right now, and it keeps growing. Of course, since the dollar has dropped about 30% against the Euro over the past few years, in a sense our debt is now effectively $3 trillion less than it was in 2003.
Ok, maybe I should just skip the part where I explain why this is a problem, and move on to the solution.
First, let's look at why this happened. Originally, the dollar was based on our supply of gold. If you had a dollar bill, you could actually go to the federal government and trade your paper bill for a little lump of gold. The government found this inconvenient, because it meant that for every dollar they printed, they actually had to have a little lump of gold, and gold is expensive. So back before you were born they changed the rules a little, so that they could just print however much money they wanted without making sure they actually had that much gold. Much more convenient.
So now the dollar is worth something because, well, everybody assumes it's worth something. Instead of being based on gold, the dollar is based on trust that the federal government won't print any more money that it really needs. Which is, as standards go, not quite on par with a shiny metal that can be made into pretty trinkets. Surprisingly, this system has been known to break down, as when the government decides that it really needs to bring democracy to Afghanistan or midnight basketball to Philadelphia.
I suggest a two-pronged approach:
First, there is the problem of currency devaluation caused by indiscriminate printing of money. Don't misunderstand me: clearly the federal government needs to be able to continue printing insane amounts of money with impunity. I suggest that from now on, however, the government only be allowed to print foreign currency. Perhaps we could print a run of a hundred billion Euros to warm up. Then maybe a few trillion Brazilian pesos or Nepalese Rupees. This would simultaneously give our treasury more money and weaken foreign currencies relative to ours. We could even target uppity little countries that we feel are getting out of line. If the Danish piss us off, we crash their economy by printing a few bazillion Krones.
Second, it is essential that we peg our currency to some commodity that is universally recognized as valuable. Sure, gold or silver would work, but I think we can agree that precious metals are a little old school. After all, we're running a 21st century economy here, not a pirate ship. We need a commodity that is sufficiently rare, and yet considered valuable by today's sophisticated and educated citizenry. I suggest marijuana.
Federal, state and local governments confiscate millions of tons of precious marijuana every year which they burn in vast quantities without even having the decency to put on a Pink Floyd record first. This pot could be freeze-dried and stored in vast government facilities with names like Fort Ganja and the United States Federal Hash Reserve. We could put it right next to the Federal Doritos Repository.
Of course, Joe Citizen wouldn't be able to turn his dollars in for a dime bag. That would be irresponsible. Marijuana is a dangerous drug which must remain at all times in the hands of the squares. But that doesn't change the fact that it's extremely valuable. The federal government would not be allowed to print more money than could be justified by the current street value of the total U.S. pot supply.
So there you have it. We protect the integrity of our currency by pegging it to marijuana, while ensuring that we can meet all of our vital needs by printing unlimited amounts of foreign currency. One more problem solved. Oh, I suppose there might be some long term negative consequences, but we're not likely to ever see them. It's a well-known fact that the world is going to end by 2010.