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I don't understand why people are freaking out about a little lead in toys. When I was a kid, I used to play with little paintable Dungeons & Dragons figurines. You know what those things were made of? Lead. That's right, the toy company would just pour a little glob of molten lead into a mold shaped like an elf princess and call it a toy. You're worried about a little lead in the paint on your Bratz(TM) Dream Crib*? Please. We used to paint our lead toys with lead-based paint in radon-filled rooms blanketed with asbestos insulation while sitting on furniture made out of cyanide and rattlesnakes.One time my junior high teacher confiscated my lead orc figurine -- not because it was made entirely of poison, but because he thought it might be satanic. The grownups back then could give a shit about whether you were playing with toxic substances. They'd let you play with anything that wasn't possessed by a demon.
*No Bratz products have been shown to contain any hazardous substances. They will, however, turn your six year old into a whore.
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The other day I called a radio station to request a song. The D.J. answered, "Sorry, you're caller seven. Call me back." Then she hung up. Apparently I had entered -- and lost -- some sort of contest. That's a real morale builder, right there, losing a game you weren't even playing. I think I'm going to start answering the phone that way. "Sorry, caller seven. Call me back." Should confuse the hell out of my mother-in-law.
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In California there's no smoking inside restaurants, so all the smokers hang out outside the front door. The other day it occurred to me that it would be fun to stand outside there with the smokers and start lighting firecrackers. I'd just light them and then toss them on the ground in front of me. BAM! BAM! BAM! And then when the smokers started yelling at me, I'd be like, "What? The odds of you being seriously harmed by one of my firecrackers are really very low." And then I'd wax nostalgically about how you used to be able to just light firecrackers wherever you wanted and nobody complained.
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I don't get fortune cookies. Don't get me wrong -- I don't have a problem taking advice from a cookie, but aren't there more reputable cookies around? Fortune cookies are pretty much the worst cookie ever. Why would you listen to a cookie that can't even get its own shit together? Focus on being a halfway decent cookie for a while, and when you've got that down, come back and tell me about my hidden talents that will soon become obvious to those around me.
An Oreo -- now there's a cookie I'd listen to. I'd take stock tips from an Oreo. And between you and me, if one of those Girl Scout cookies with the caramel and coconut told me to, I'd kill a man.
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To the people who make "easy-open" packages: Stop it. You're just making me feel like an idiot because I can't get the damn thing open. At least in the old days I could just bitch about how they make packages impossible to open while tearing at a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper like a starving wolverine. Now I have to stick my finger in this spot and pull up, then push push down and then stroke it side to side for a while, and eventually I give up and just ask Mrs. Diesel exactly what she wants me to do. Wait, what was I talking about?
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To the makers of refrigerator magnets: Would it kill you to make them an eighth of an inch thicker? What the hell am I supposed to be sticking to my fridge with these damn things, dryer sheets? Every time I walk past the fridge, I'm attacked by a flurry of Christmas cards and pizza coupons. I understand that your primary purpose is to advertise an appliance repair business or real estate agent, but could you at least pretend that you care about holding my shit to the fridge?
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To the people who print receipt tape with ads on the back: Cut it out. When I'm on the phone and I need to quick find a scrap of paper to write down an important phone number, I don't want to see an ad for carpet cleaning. It's universally understood that the back of a receipt should be left blank so that it can be used as scratch paper. If you make me walk past the fridge to get a notepad, there is going to be trouble.
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Ok folks, that's it for today. Meet me back here for the caption contest results tomorrow.
Humor-blogs.com is hella hard to open.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Movies, Sock Drawer
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