Everybody loves Christmas carols. Christians love Christmas carols. Jews love Christmas carols. Even Satanists secretly love Christmas carols. The only people who don't like Christmas carols are Communists and people named Carol who are going to smack the next person that asks them if they are a Christmas Carol because it's just not funny after the bazillionth time, ok?One of the most enjoyable Christmas songs to listen to is "The First Noel," the lyrics of which were presumably written as some sort of prank by a guy named Noel. The tune is wonderful, but the lyrics are ridiculous. He works his name into the song like 87 times, for starters.
Noel wrote a song, Noel NoelIf it weren't for "Hey Jude", old Noel would still be on the hook for Most Needless Repetition of a Name in a Song.
Noel Noel Noel Noel
It's my song so suck it, Noel Noel
Sing Noel Noel Noel Noel
Noel Noel Noel Noel
Born is the King of Israel whose name is Noel!
Ok, ok. That's not really how the song goes. In reality, the lyrics are far, far worse. If you don't believe me, you obviously haven't had to try to sing the song lately. Sure, it sounds great piping gently through the speakers at Starbucks, but at my church they actually expect us to sing the song, and let me tell you, it's damn near impossible. That song has the most godawful awkward lyrics I've ever tried to wrap my lips around.
Let's take the first stanza, shall we?
The first noel the angels did sayFirst of all, a "noel" is a song. So this is a song about a song. If you were to update the refrain of this song to modern English, it would be:
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay
In fields where they lay keeping their sheep
On a cold winter's night that was so deep.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel!
Song, Song, Song, Song
Born is the King of Israel!
Which, if it weren't redeemed by the second line, would be the worst refrain ever.
Next, you don't "say" a song. You sing it.
Then there's the pointless redundancy: "in fields as they lay/in fields where they lay." That's just lazy. And what the hell are the shepherds doing lying in the fields? Shouldn't at least one of them be awake? And if they're asleep, how are they "keeping their sheep?"
Then there's the little fact that Jesus was most likely not born during the winter. And even if he were, what exactly makes a night "deep"? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means somebody couldn't think of a word to rhyme with 'sheep.'
Ok, so we've established that this song is confused, repetitive, factually inaccurate and banal. And we still haven't even touched on the fact that it's virtually impossible to sing. It's like the lyrics were written for a completely different tune.
The-uh fir-irst no-o-el the-uh angels did sayMaybe the syllable breaks make sense if you're a world-class stutterer or something. And in case you think, "Well, that's just the way those old songs are," take a look at the first stanza of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing":
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay
I-in fie-eelds wheretheylay kee-ee-eeping their sheep
On a cold winter's ni-ight that wa-as so deep.
No-o-el, No-o-el, No-o-el, No-o-e-el
Born is the Ki-ing of I-Isri-el!
Hark the herald angels singHey, the syllable breaks actually match the notes of the tune! Other than stretching "sing" and "mild" into two syllables and creating the contraction "th'angelic", you start a new syllable every time you hit a new note. It's a Christmas miracle! "Joy to the World," "Silent Night," "O Come All Ye Faithful" -- they all match their respective tunes almost perfectly.
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled"
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With th'angelic host proclaim:
"Christ is born in Bethlehem"
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"
You would think that once a lyricist has given himself license to depart from historical accuracy and go off on tangents about farm animals, he might have a chance of finding some words that actually go along with the tune, but old Noel had no such luck. In fact, the song actually gets worse in the later stanzas:
They-ey loo-ook-ed up a-and sa-aw a star
Shining i-in the Ea-east beyo-ond them far
And to-o the-uh earth it ga-a-ave great light
And so it continued both da-ay and night.
No-o-el, No-o-el, No-o-el, No-o-e-el
Born is the Ki-ing of I-Isri-el!
Ok, I need to stop trying to figure out where the syllable breaks are before I develop a case of Turrett's. For the record, according to Luke the shepherds saw no star. The shepherds were "nearby," and if they needed a star to find Bethlehem, they were some pretty piss-poor shepherds. Oh, and if they had attempted to follow a star "in the east," they would have found themselves in the Dead Sea.The next stanza is my favorite.
This star drew nigh to the northwestIs there a more drawn out way to say "The star stopped over the baby Jesus"? I especially like the fact that the star "did both pause and stay" -- a phrase which is painfully redundant even without dragging it out over 37 syllables.
O'er Bethlehem it took its rest
And there it did both pause and stay
Right o'er the place where Jesus lay.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel!
And now, the moment you've been waiting for: the historically inaccurate and syntactically disastrous inclusion of the three wise men:
Then entered in those wise men threeAh yes, the famed Wise Men of the Southeast, who arrived on the heels of the shepherds. Historians have, of course, disagreed about the number of wise men. The standard interpretation is that there were three, based on the fact that there were three gifts. Revisionists, however, point to the fact that they all evidently shared a single knee.
Full reverently upon their knee
And offered there in His presence
Their gold and myrrh and frankincense.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel!
Oh well. At least the intrepid vocalist is rewarded for his persistence with a single coherent, semi-singable stanza to close the song.
Then let us all with one accordCouldn't have said it better myself. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord
That hath made Heaven and earth of naught
And with his blood mankind has bought.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel!
I'll probably take the next few days off, but I'll try to whip something up for the caption contest on Friday. See you then.
This post did both pause and stay at humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Christianity, Exemplary Police Work, Music
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