Greetings, gristle-monkeys. I am Grundir the Implacable, Nazgul and Meme-Wraith. Shudder in the presence of my stench, for it is the stench of death and feet.Theresa, the Friesian-Spanish meme-virgin, who should know better, has tagged my master, Diesel, with the "What's in your bag?" meme, and if you're still here after stumbling over all of those commas I tossed in your path (some of them, admittedly, not technically necessary, but I am strangely enamored of the wee blokes), you are an intrepid soul indeed.
You may notice, by the way, that my English has gotten substantially less archaic since my last post. During my hiatus I've been taking Non-Archaic English as a Second Language classes at the local community college. A few more weeks and I will be able to speak just like a normal person. Isn't that sick?
Bah! Let us proceed with this foolishness.
What do I have in my bag? Can there be any question?
Yes, my bag is filled with hobbits who shall suffer the diabolical tortures of the... ah, who am I kidding? That is not a real hobbit. It is merely actor Dominic Monaghan, who, since the untimely death of his perennially befuddled and heroin-addicted character on Lost, is now being sold at a very reasonable price in burlap sacks at Pier 1 Imports. I recently purchased this one as a mantel decoration, but was enraged when my cat urped on it. I was able to replace the head with Sean Astin's, but I haven't a clue how to get cat urp out burlap. Tips?
To the little Brandybuck's credit, he evidently did succeed in getting the others off the island. No, not the Others. The other others. Come to think of it, Doesn't it seem like they should change the name of the show to Found now? Perhaps the castaways will return to the island and open a resort, wherein all manner of wacky hijinks would ensue. Ah, what fun that would be! But only if they can get all of the original cast members back. Let me put it this way: I know Ginger. Ginger was a friend of mine. And you, Judith Baldwin, are no Ginger.
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Interlude: A conversation recently overheard between Diesel and Mrs. Diesel, while listening to "Wonderwall" by Oasis.
Diesel: Whatever happened to these guys?
Mrs. Diesel: Hmmm. Didn't one of them drown trying to get the rest of the group off the island?
Diesel: ---
Mrs. Diesel: What?
End interlude.
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The truth is, hobbits, unlike diminutive character actors, are difficult to catch. The main problem with trying to catch hobbits is the whole depth perception issue.
The other day I was creeping up on a fat little hobbit napping on a log. I thought I had him, but when I reached for my broadsword I bumped into the little bastard and knocked him over. Well, that startled the hell out of both of us, and we both started screaming. He was all like, "What the hell, man? You scared the f--- out of me!" And I was like, "Dude, it's not my fault. I thought you were still like ten feet away!" And he was all like "I'm a halfling, okay? I'm half the size of a normal person. So when it looks like I'm ten feet away, you're actually encroaching rather severely on my personal space. Also, our culture is roughly Germanic, so we're kind of big on the liebensraum concept."
This seemed like an unfair generalization to me, and I was about to say so when he high-tailed it into the woods. Clever little bastards they are. I probably had plenty of time to reached out and smack him, but I was getting a headache trying to figure out how far away he was, and decided to just let him be. I hope he wasn't a female, because they breed like rabbits.So... what was this post about again? Curse you, Diesel, you have infected me with your gnat-like attention spat and your... something something something...
Anyway, my master bids you return tomorrow to vote on the caption contest finalists.
Oh, and buy his book while you still can, foolish mortal, or it shall be your head in my bag! So unless you want to spend eternity knocking noggins with Elijah Wood, buy it now for the ridiculously low price of $9.95, with free shipping. My master will even sign it for you upside down. What more could you want, other than having it not signed upside down, which isn't an option?
Humor-blogs.com wouldn't be caught dead rolling around in a sack with Elijah Wood.
Labels: Meme Wraith
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