Recently, however, my friend Snuppy (aka Crazy Aunt Beatrice) from Central Snark recommended a novel called The Truth Machine. This novel is, not to mince words, a steaming pile of bantha dung. I wrote a review of it which I excerpted in my last post. Snuppy pretended to love the book, but now I realize that she was trying to tell me that I was working too hard on my novel. "Look at this piece of crap," she was saying. "This was a bestseller, and it reads like the guy wrote it in 7th grade study hall."
Having learned my lesson, I'm thinking about scrapping my novel and writing something in the vein of Halperin's book. Here's what I have so far.
The Tooth Machine
by Diesel
Pete Strongman, who was the in vitro product of Marie Curie's best looking egg and Stephen Hawking's most robust sperm, was pretty much the smartest guy ever. He had some quirks that made him relatable, though. For example, there was the bed-wetting that continued into his late thirties -- which wouldn't have been so bad if he had confined it to his own bed. Also, his little brother Leonard had died when he was eight from a freak gum infection that had resulted from an undiagnosed cavity in his upper left molar.It was this tragedy that inevitably -- not to say predictably -- propelled Pete Strongman, World's Smartest Man (he had the business cards made up when he hit puberty), on his quest to build the Tooth Machine, a device that could unerringly detect even the smallest cavities in even the most insignificant tooth.
Pete happened to mention the concept of the Tooth Machine to his Smartology Professor at Harvard, Dr. Plato Socrates, who will be played in the movie by Morgan Freeman. Socrates mentioned the idea to his best friend Tom Powers, which wouldn't be a big deal except that Tom Powers just happened to be the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. One thing led to another, and President Powers convinced Congress that the nation's Number One Priority should be developing a perfect Tooth Machine. The convincing was pretty easy, because by 2009 invisible cars and jetpacks that run on pollution had already been invented. Congress established a one hundred trillion dollar prize for anyone who could develop such a machine, and that's a lot of money, even for 2009.
It was also at Harvard that Pete met his nemesis, Tad Skeemer. Tad had, by the age of 18, already invented such insidious confectionaries as Chewy Gewies and Chocolate Thumb. Tad knew that if people ever discovered how dangerous his candies were, he'd be ruined. He vowed to prevent the Tooth Machine from ever being invented.
Tad convinced Pete that they should go into business together, and they spent the next twenty years developing groundbreaking devices such as the Earlobe Machine, the Little Toe Machine, and -- their most difficult challenge to date -- the Uvula Machine. Every body part got them a little closer to their ultimate goal, the fabled Tooth Machine. But, unbeknownst to Pete, World's Smartest and Coincidentally Most Gullible Man, all the while Tad was scheming to undermine the Tooth Machine at its roots.
As the Tooth Machine neared completion, Tad secretly programmed it so that if it ever detected a cavity caused by one of Tad's candies, Pete Strongman, World's Smartest Man, would be hit with the World's Worst Toothache. The day before the unveiling of the machine, Tad told Pete what he had done.
As much as Pete wanted to see a world free of tooth decay, he really didn't want to have to deal with that toothache. Because if that toothache was as painful as he was smart, then it was very painful, because he was very smart. Very, VERY smart.
Did I mention how smart he is? Like, it would blow your mind if you knew how smart he was.
So Pete kidnapped Tad, made him reprogram the machine, and then shot and incinerated him.
The machine was launched on schedule. Eventually people found out what Pete had done, but they forgave him because of all the cavities he had prevented.
THE END.
*Yes, it was our good friend, the ever-witty Joel Bezaire, proprietor of Crummy Church Signs and author of Crummy Church Signs Volume 1. Have you bought your signed, discounted copy yet? Tomorrow is the last day! Do it now!
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Labels: Books
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