A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 8719870271321465597 I Shall Cast Your Accursed Memes into the Crack of Mount Doom! 2007/10/#8719870271321465597 2007-10-03 Firstly, let me put to rest the rumors of the Dark Lord Diesel's demise. Although he appreciates your well-wishing, he is not in fact ill. He merely had an abominable headache on Monday, perhaps of the sort caused by the screams of orcs being worked to death in the infernal factories of Mordor, or Celine Dionne records.

My lord would have put the rumors to rest himself, but he has been surprisingly busy of late. Perhaps some day he will tell you of his recent arduous journey to the west, where he visited the fabled stronghold of a vast kingdom that he refers to as "Googul." Yes, it appears that Lord Diesel has been persuaded to come out of retirement by his allegiance to that vast kingdom and his need to pay for a lot of drywall.

While my lord Diesel has been about more pressing matters, memes have been piling up at an alarming rate. As the designated meme-wraith of the Mattress Police, I shall dispatch these nuisances with due haste and hostility.

First, there is the Blogger Reflection Award, foisted upon the Mattress Police by the Ironic Catholic. I must say, this habit of commonfolk bestowing upon each other endless awards disgusts me. Are not awards meant to be granted by an esteemed council of some sort, so that people like Yasser Arafat and Milli Vanilli do not receive them? In the land of Mordor, from whence I hail, only one entity can give awards: The Dark Lord Sauron. There is only one award -- the Award of the All-Seeing Eye -- and every year Sauron awards it to himself, except for that one time that he took pity on Susan Lucci.

I find this Blogger Reflection Award doubly offensive as it seems as if I have already dispatched it once. It turns out, however, that that was the Reflective Blogger Award, which is a completely different thing. If only someone would award me the Award of Blogger Reflection, then I would possess the coveted trinity of reflection-related awards. It is my understanding that this unholy trinity of navel-gazing awards can be redeemed, along with $4.50, for a venti caramel machiatto or a Grammy.

Then there is the torrent of awards vomited in my direction by one Lord Likely, the so-called Aristocratic Adventurer. Sir Likely granted to the Mattress Police the Breakout Blogger Award, the Bodacious Blogger Award, and the Eight Facts meme. His Lordship goes so far as to proclaim that his aim in giving the Mattress Police these awards is to "drive Mr. Diesel CRAZY - with hilarious results!" Sadly for this misguided aristocrat, my lord Diesel will never set eyes on these pathetic memes.

I can only assume that the Breakout Blogger Award is some sort of reference to my master's occasional stress-induced acne flair-ups. I had to consult the sages at Isengard regarding the meaning of the "Bodacious Blogger Award." They inform me that "bodacious" implies a "A full-figured female body shape." Thus this Lord Likely presumably means to call my master a "fat, pimply girl." I assume that such unprecedented insolence could only be prompted by insanity, probably caused by a combination of inbreeding and syphilis. It is only because of his certain madness and probably imminent and painful death that I shall have mercy upon Likely and spare him the taste of my steel.

Now to deal with this "Eight Facts" claptrap:

1. Before becoming a Nazgûl, I was a successful Numenorian king and hedge fund manager. I specialized in precious metals and goblin futures.
2. Despite rumors of secret dalliances with my fellow Nazgûl Vorgul the Terrible, my blade does not, in fact, swing that way (NTTAWWT).
3. I have slain more hobbits than any other Nazgûl. I have slain hobbits for all manner of offense, including speaking ill of the Dark Lord, transporting magical rings across state lines without a permit, and driving through my neighborhood with their godawful hobbit-rap cranked to full volume. The only reason I don't hold the all-time slaying record among the Nazgûl is that the rankings are inexplicably done by weight.
4. Due to the power of the evil rings with which Sauron enslaved us, if you say "knock knock" to a Nazgûl, the Nazgûl is compelled to respond, "Who's there?" A thain of Gondor once held off a Nazgûl assault for three days with an endless stream of insipid knock-knock jokes. Hoarse and hallucinating, he ultimately was unable to devise a suitable response to "Grandma Fish Cracker Who?" and was eviscerated.
5. Between you and I, sometimes the Witch-King of Angmar can be a little clingy.
6. Barrow-wights creep me out.
7. I liked Van Halen better with Sammy Hagar than with David Lee Roth. (What do you want from me, I'm evil, remember?)
8. Bah! I cannot think of an eighth. Be happy with what crumbs I toss your way, fools.

My lord Diesel shall return Monday Friday for another round of the much ballyhooed caption contest.

Update 4:04pm: In my haste to be done with these foul memes, I accidentally said Diesel would be back on Monday. I should have said Friday. May my master forgive my foolishness.

Also, I have been called to perform memicide for several other bloggers. Look for me at a blog near you. If you would like to call upon my services, email me at Grundir@mattresspolice.com. That is all.


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