A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 910883102233352363 Help Me Help You 2007/10/#910883102233352363 2007-10-15 A few weeks ago I mentioned to fellow blogger and ex-standup comic* Suzy Soro that I don't have a blogging "persona." Sure, I go by the name "Diesel," which makes it sound like I'm compensating for my weak chin by pretending to be some kind of tough guy, but I carried that nickname over from real life. I didn't create a Diesel persona for the blogosphere.

Suzy disagreed. "You definitely have a persona," she said. "It's 'very smart Internet guy with self-deprecating humor.'"

I'm not sure where she got the "very smart" bit from, but the fact that Suzy thinks its part of a fictional persona presumably leaves open the possibility that in real life, I am in fact a moron. Similarly, perhaps I'm a humorless prick right up to the point where I log into Blogger and become Mr. Witty Self-Deprecation.

Actually, Suzy is right. To some degree my blogging persona is an amped up version of the real me. But mostly what separates the online Diesel from the offline Diesel is what I leave behind when I enter the blogosphere. You see, in real life I'm a bit of a pedantic crank. I periodically launch into animated tirades about politics or religion or whatever, subjecting those around me to tiresome explications of my worldview. I'm ruthlessly analytical, and I'm just about impossible to beat in an argument. That's not to say that I always win; it's more accurate to say that I'll keep finding loopholes in any contrary position so that I can keep arguing forever, like the knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail who keeps fighting even after his limbs have all been severed.

This fiercely argumentative nature almost propelled me into law school when I was in my 20s, but I think on some level I realized that this course of action would only legitimize and exacerbate a pretty serious character flaw. That's why almost all lawyers are assholes: Rather than dealing with the fact that they are pedantic, argumentative jerks, they go to a special school to be more effective pedantic, argumentative jerks.

When I started blogging, I decided to leave out that part of my personality. I figured that there were plenty of serious political commentators out there already, many of whom were better informed than I was. Besides, when you argue about serious issues, it's really easy for people to misunderstand you and get their feelings hurt -- or, for that matter, to understand you perfectly and get their feelings hurt. I didn't want to spend my time worrying about who I was offending, and explaining and re-explaining my positions ad nauseum. And I wanted to force myself to let go of the idea that I needed to bring people around to my way of thinking. Make 'em laugh, I thought. Maybe hit 'em with a serious idea once in awhile, but rule number one on this site has always been Make 'em laugh.

I think it's worked out pretty well. You get to laugh, and I get to not take myself so seriously. Because trust me, I can be a pretty intense person, and it's good for me to be forced out of my circle of obsessive analytical thinking.

But I have to tell you, some days it's not easy to maintain my good-natured "persona." I don't get offended easily, but there are a few sure methods of pissing me off. And by "pissed off," I don't mind the kind of mild grumpiness that results in a delightfully sardonic post. I mean pissed off. A few of you have witnessed this side of me in my comments on a few blogs lately, which is what prompted this post. I think we can all agree that the delightfully sardonic Diesel is more fun than the pissed off Diesel, so I thought I would post a few simple guidelines that will help you to not piss me off:

1. If you're going to write a blog post comparing someone to Hitler, that person had better have killed at least a million people. Otherwise you're insulting the memory of the millions of people methodically slaughtered by the Nazis and the thousands of brave men who risked their lives to stop them. Get your head out of your ass and open a book.

2. If you're going to write a post calling some historical figure a "hero," make sure that that person wasn't in fact a repressive dictator or terrorist who murdered scores of people in cold blood. Good examples include Fidel Castro and Che Guevara.

3. If you're going to bash George W. Bush, try picking a tack that hasn't been used 100,000 times before. I get it, you think he's stupid. I'm not defending him, but holy crap come up with some new material already. A few months ago I read a post referring to him as a "drunken frat boy." Really? You have to go back 30 years to find something you can insult him for? He's basically admitted that he's a recovering alcoholic, so extra class points to you for picking on him for that. Also, stop saying that he was never elected. You can quibble about the first election, but he was overwhelming elected by the popular vote in 2004. Try picking up a newspaper, dumbass.

4. Don't tell me who I am or what I believe. When you tell me that conservatives are greedy, selfish bastards, guess what? That's me. When you talk about how stupid Bush voters are, hey guess what? Me again. I'm not thrilled with the kind of president Bush has turned out to be, but don't think I'm stupid just because I didn't vote for your pompous ass of a candidate. Oh, and when you slam the "religious right"? Hey, me again! In fact, I happen to be the treasurer for an extremely conservative Christian church, and there's nothing I love more than spending four hours counting a hundred thousand dollars worth of charitable contributions from our members and then coming home to read some idiot blogging about how conservatives only care about themselves. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason we don't want to fund your stupid government programs is because we're already giving a lot of money to programs that have proven to be a lot more effective than government bureaucracies? Blog all you want about your own opinions, but don't pretend that you know someone because of where they go to church or what box they check on a ballot.

Let me make it very clear that I have no problem with differing opinions. I don't think I've ever made fun of someone on this blog just for having a different opinion from my own. I make a distinction, however, between the voicing of an opinion I disagree with and the exhibition of willful ignorance. I skewer fundamentalists because I think they ignore the reality around them in favor of dogmatic nonsense, and I feel the same way about people who call George W. Bush a Nazi. Maybe it makes you feel better to demonize the man in this way, but that doesn't excuse the deliberate dissemination of gross historical inaccuracy across the internet. Once you hit the age of seven, you're expected to take some responsibility for your words.

Whew. Ok, that should do it for me for a while. Now I can go back to being cheerfully absurd Diesel for a while.

Just don't piss me off.


*Corrected 12:18pm. Sorry, Suzy. I thought you were retired like me....


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