Greetings, denizens of cyberspace! I am Grundir the Implacable. You may know me as one of the nine Nazgûl who once served the Dark Lord. You have probably heard by now that things are not going so well for my former master lately. Long story short: The Dark Lord is a twisted, murderous entity who scoffs at the laws of men. Many years ago, he narrowly escaped destruction at the end of a great battle, and he slinked off into the shadows to regain his strength. Recently he returned to wreak his vengeance, but was stopped before his plan came to fruition.By the Pelenor Fields, here is a likeness of the Dark Lord now! See how he bears the smirk of the wrongfully accused!
Humblest apologies! That is actually former NFL great O.J. Simpson. This is the Dark Lord:
I hardly think that I am to blame for the error. Is the similarity not striking?
As I have attested, Sauron has hit a bit of a rough patch, so I am exploring career options beyond being a minion of the Dark Lord. Ah, I suppose you fools imagined that upon Sauron's fall, all of the evil minions disappeared and Mordor became an idyllic wonderland. Ha! Unfortunately we belatedly learned that the iron rule of Sauron was the only thing that was holding Mordor together. The coalition led by the Army of Gondor has endeavored to put together a unity government consisting of all of Mordor's races, but now Uruk-Hai are pouring over the border to cause untold trouble and troll extremists are cart-bouldering orcs in the street... But I digress. Suffice it to say only that Mordor is really not a place you want to be right now.
After fleeing that accursed land, I accepted a position at the Mattress Police as a Meme-Wraith. In this capacity, I intercept any memes that are troubling my lord Diesel. This is my first day in that capacity, and it is my gravest hope that I do not disappoint.
First up is the "ROCKIN' GIRL BLOGGER" that I have received from Speedcat Hollydale. I shall not respond to this award other than to say that SpeedcatHollydale will taste my steel. And if you knew where my steel has been and how often I clean it, you would verily shudder.
Second, there is the Reflective Blogger Award, granted by Sage. As I am an entity with no corporeal form and therefore no reflection, this award enrages me. Sage, you should consider yourself flicked in the forehead with an iron-gauntleted finger.
And finally, Zhu's Ten Priceless Experiences meme, which requires that I tell of ten wondrous experiences one might enjoy in my homeland. Sadly, Mordor is no longer the joyful place that it was in the giddy early days of my Nazgulship, so this meme causes me to howl in bone-shattering sadness. Once I could have told you of the great machinations of Minas Morgul, where orcs were worked to death building vast siege towers, but now the infernal factories are silent. Once I could have told you of forlorn travelers sinking to their deaths in the Dead Marshes, but now those marshes have been drained and the foul, unnatural beasts displaced. Why, o sons of Gondor? Why have you drained my beloved marshes? There once were marshes as far as the eye could see. Marshes to the north, marshes to the south, marshes to the west. Marshes, marshes, marshes!A great sorrow has now befallen me, the sorrow known only by those cursed to an eternal living death and those who watched Britney's performance at the VMAs. I mean, is it just me, or was she not even trying?
Bah! I am Grundir the Implacable. That is all for now.
Did you enjoy this post? Then I command you to buy Diesel's book, Antisocial Commentary!
Humor-blogs.com shall taste my steel.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Meme Wraith
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