Keep in mind that I live in Ripon, a very nice little town just outside of Modesto, so I don't take this too personally. Still, the worst city in the United States? That seems unlikely. I mean, at least we've got nice weather -- assuming you like it hot in the summer. It's a dry heat, we always say. A dry, dusty, ozone-laced, pollen-rich, brain-withering heat.
It's true that Modesto doesn't have much in the way of cultural attractions such as museums, universities, oxygen or water. These days it's evidently not enough to have a single junior college and an atmosphere that's 96.4% breathable. The EPA has declared the whole region an "Extreme Non-Attainment Zone," which sounds kind of rad if you ask me. It gives the city a cachet of elusive coolness. "Just try to attain us," the designation says. "You can't, because we're too extreme. Cough, cough, hack, cough."
This arch spans one of the entrances to the city.
The arch was built in 1912, making it a historic landmark in addition to being the ugliest thing ever built on purpose. It's also a helpful warning to visitors about what they are leaving behind. You'll have to concede most cities aren't that honest. It's like that encouraging sign over the gate to Hell in Dante's Inferno: "Something something hope something something."
And I'm sick of hearing about all the murders that supposedly take place in Modesto. Look, most of the supposed "Modesto murders" weren't even committed in Modesto. They were committed hundreds of miles away, by people from Modesto. I mean, as far as we know Scott Peterson killed his wife somewhere well outside of the Extreme Non-Attainment Zone. Cary Stayner killed all those people while he was on vacation in Yosemite. And neither Gary Condit nor Chandra Levy was in Modesto when he didn't kill her and hide her body in a park in Washington D.C. (Although I have to admit that a city is definitely in the big leagues when it starts exporting murderers to D.C. That's like shipping cocaine to Bogota.)
Why not focus on some of the positive aspects of Modesto? For example, many of you may not realize that Modesto leads the country in auto thefts. Or we could talk about some of the famous people who are from Modesto, such as George Lucas, who gives back to his former home by allowing his movies to be shown in theaters all over town.
And let's not forget Modesto's rich history. According to Wikipedia, "Up until the 1930's, Modesto was commonly known as the 'Filth Capital of California,' due to the abundance of saloons, brothels, opium houses, and 'wild west' atmosphere.... It was a wild west town, with vigilante justice the norm, often ending in shootouts or hangings." These days, of course, hangings are rare. Today you're more likely to find a bar than a saloon, and the occasional opium user has been replaced by scores of meth addicts.
Wikipedia goes on to say that Modesto was originally going to be named after William C. Ralston, financier of many projects in early California. "He declined the suggestion and a Spanish-speaking railroad worker at the naming ceremony said that Ralston was 'Muy modesto' (very modest). In reality, he didn't want such a shit-hole to bear his name." (Ok, Wikipedia doesn't actually use the word shit-hole, but it would if I weren't so lazy.)
Modesto is also politically important. Recently, a civil rights group called the Brown Berets requested county officials to designate Stanislaus County as an "immigrant sanctuary." This would mean that the local government would no longer assist federal officials in rounding up and deporting illegal immigrants to Mexico. Local officials scoffed at the suggestion that anything had been done about illegal immigration up to this point.
So maybe it's true. Maybe Modesto is "the worst place to live in the United States." But I have a feeling that's not going to be the case much longer. Changes are brewing in Modesto, and these days there's something in the air besides the stench from the tallow plant. With a little luck, in a few years Modesto might not be the least livable city in the U.S. any more.
Some day it might just be the most livable city in Mexico.
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Labels: Exemplary Police Work
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