Campaign season gets longer and longer with every election, and using simple high school calculus and some PhD-level guesswork, I have extrapolated from current trends to determine that by the year 2020 campaign season will be roughly thirteen years long. In other words, to have a chance of winning the presidency in 2020, a candidate will have to have begun campaigning no later than 3 o'clock this afternoon.
It is with this in mind, love of my country in my heart, and a song in my pancreas, that I declare my candidacy for presidency of the United States. My slogan is Diesel in 2020: No Special Rights for Cyborgs.
My campaign is going to be built on a pledge of straight talk. Not that there's anything wrong with any other kind of talk; I just don't happen to swing that way. To demonstrate my straight-talkingness, here is where I stand on the "big issues:"
A Woman's Right to Choose
I strongly support a woman's right to choose. It should go without saying that I also support a man's right to choose. To my way of thinking, they should take turns. For example, first the man might choose a nice restaurant for them to go to. Then the woman could choose a top to go with her beige capri pants without asking the man whether he likes the blue one or the green one better. Then the man might choose to have cheesecake for dessert, and the woman might choose to get her own cheesecake rather than eat all of the man's. Only in this way can we build a truly just society.
Term Limits
I am strongly in favor of term limits. The term "diva," for example, has gotten way out of hand. Mariah Carey is a diva now? I don't think so. That's one term that needs some serious limits. And what about "shock jock"? Can we retire that one yet?
Flag BurningA lot of people say flag burning isn't a serious issue, because hardly any actual flag burning takes place. These people are missing the point. The point is that without a law forbidding flag burning, anyone could hypothetically burn a flag whenever he or she sees fit. And that's what I have a problem with: the hypothetical flag burning. I believe that we should not only outlaw burning flags; we should also outlaw the hypothetical burning of flags. Let's say, for example, that you were to burn a flag in your backyard. Under a typical anti-flag burning law, you would go to jail. But under my enhanced anti-flag burning law, you and I would both go to jail: You for burning the flag, and me for suggesting a hypothetical situation in which you burned the flag. And there we would sit, in our respective jail cells -- mine real, yours hypothetical -- reflecting on our respective real and imaginary crimes.
The War on Terror
I am strongly in favor of the War on Terror. In fact, I think the War on Terror should be drastically expanded to include all other unpleasant states of mind, such as Boredom and "the Heebie Jeebies." I don't think we should stop fighting until we are all happy all of the time. But we must stop before we hit Complacency, because the war will be on that too.
Campaign Finance Reform
The cost of national elections is obscene. It is estimated that the 2020 presidential campaign will cost more than the GDP of Canada. This is money that is going to lobbyists and marketing firms, when we could better use it to actually buy Canada. Sure, we don't need it now, but you never know what might happen down the road. What if Canada decides to slap an embargo on comedians? Not only will we miss out on any future Jim Carreys and Mike Myerses, but we will be unable to ship Jim Carrey and Mike Myers back to Canada when they turn into Robin Williams in a few years. Then you'll be wishing we bought Canada, won't you?
Iraq
I think we should "stay the course" in Iraq, because when you're bogged down in the desert, the best solution is generally a nautical metaphor. Some say that we're stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, and that we should pull up anchor and rid ourselves of this albatross, but I say these people should stop rocking the boat and get on board with the program. We're still learning the ropes in Iraq, and I say that we need to batten down the hatches and throw those insurgents overboard. Fail in Iraq? Not on my watch. We're going to win, come hell or high water.
I hope I have convinced you that I have the kind of decisiveness and vision that is needed in 2020. Ooh, I like that. "Vision in 2020." Maybe that's my slogan. Oh well, there's plenty of time to work that out. The important thing is that Americans put aside their differences and agree to send me money for my campaign. That's the kind of unity I could celebrate.
I'd love to stick around and answer questions, but I'm three sheets to the wind already.
Once elected, I pledge a thorough investigation of humor-blogs.com.]]>