I took the family to KFC the other day, and saw this sign on their window:
Mrs. Diesel and I were cracking each other up with the conversations we imagined took place as a result of this sign.
KFC Employee #1: "Why do people keep asking to use our no fee ATM? Can't they see the sign? It clearly states that we don't have a no fee ATM."
KFC Employee #2: "I thought it meant we were morally opposed to no fee ATMs."
KFC Employee #1: "Well either way, it's not likely we would have one, is it?"
KFC Employee #2: "Maybe we need a bigger sign."
Speaking of KFC, have you ever looked at their packets of "honey"? You'll notice that it's actually labeled "honey sauce." Honey is the third ingredient, which means that is at most one third honey. Makes you wonder what the first two ingredients in the "chicken" are.
I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday about how Coors has come out with a "cold-activated" bottle. The label’s white lettering and Rocky Mountain icon turn blue when the beer reaches optimal drinking temperature. Thank God for that, huh? Otherwise, how in hell am I supposed to know when my beer is ok to drink? I put a Coors in the freezer and took it out after 3 hours, but the label still said "Coors" so I threw it out.
I was at Home Depot recently, buying sprinklers for my lawn. I was trying to find the sprinkler with the largest watering radius, because I have a HUGE lawn. Anyway, I was reading the labels on the sprinklers and came across one that said:
For outside use with cold water onlyI think I spent most of the rest of the day trying to imagine the lawsuit that prompted that warning. Most of the scenarios I envisioned involved someone named "JoeBob" installing a "discount shower head."
As I was checking out, I had yet another opportunity to plumb the depths of ignorance of Home Depot employees. I mentioned that I have a huge yard, right? Here's a view of the front yard from the roof of my house. That tractor is about the size of a Miata, if that gives you an idea.
I know, some of you probably live in Montana or wherever, but in California that open area is about 26 standard front yards. And of course it doesn't rain here for half the year, so you need some serious irrigation to keep grass alive. Anyway, I found a sprinkler with a forty foot watering radius (that's radius, not diameter), and bought the economy pack (ten) of them. We're talking football field irrigation power here, people. I get to the register and the cashier asks me what project I'm working on.
"Well, I have this huge area that I don't know what to do with, so I figure I'll put in grass."
"Oh," she says, ringing up the ten-pack of industrial strength sprinklers, each of which can water over three thousand square feet. "Or you could build a shed."
A shed. Yes! Why didn't I think of that? A twenty thousand square foot shed! I'd put the gardening implements and potting soil in one corner, and play arena football and store small aircraft in the rest of it! Brilliant!
I suppose it's a good thing that jobs at Home Depot are available for such people, because I'm pretty sure she'd be a ward of the state otherwise. Of course, she's about two years away from being replaced by a self-checkout lane, so I hope she's saving her money. On the plus side, when she's sitting around the trailer with no job in a few years, at least she'll have a foolproof method of determining whether her beer is cold.
I completely forgot to mention that I was guest posting at the Snark yesterday. So why don't you head over there today instead and say hi to the lovely and talented Penguin!
There's no no fee ATM at humor-blogs.com.
Labels: Exemplary Police Work, Movies, Sock Drawer
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