In Superman Returns, the Man of Steel reappears on Earth after a mysterious five year absence, during which he supposedly searched in vain for remnants of his home world, Krypton. We are led to believe that he was unable to find anything left of Krypton, but I have learned from highly placed sources at Warner Brothers that this aspect of the film was actually altered drastically during editing to make it shorter and more palatable to viewers. I have gotten my hands on the original script of the movie, which details Superman's trip to Krypton. An unedited excerpt appears below.EXT. KRYPTON CITY. DAY.
Exotic buildings glitter in the ruddy glow of Krypton's red sun. A SPACE BUS marked "KRYPTON EXPRESS" lands at a SPACE BUS STOP. The doors open and several passengers wearing business suits exit. Among them is SUPERMAN, looking tired after a long journey. The bus takes off and the passengers disperse, leaving Superman standing alone at the bus stop with STEVE, a shabbily dressed homeless Kryptonian.
STEVE
Whoah, what's with the fancy duds, man?
SUPERMAN
Oh, it's sort of a costume. I'm Superman.
STEVE
Nice. I like the black and red.
SUPERMAN
It's actually blue and red. It just looks black in this light.
STEVE
What's "blue"?
SUPERMAN
Forget it. Can you tell me how to get to get to the El residence?
STEVE
You mean Jor-El? Sure, I can tell you how to get there. He's my uncle.
SUPERMAN
Your uncle? Then you must be....
STEVE
I'm Steve-El. Todd-El's kid.
SUPERMAN
Steve! It's me, your cousin Kal!
STEVE
Kal? Holy crap, I haven't seen you since you were a baby! Where the heck have you been?
SUPERMAN
My dad sent me to Earth.
STEVE
Earth? What the heck for?
SUPERMAN
I guess he thought Krypton was going to explode.
STEVE
Explode! That's crazy!
SUPERMAN
He used to watch a lot of the Krypton 700 Club with Pat-Ro.
STEVE
Wow. He always was a little nuts. Lately he's been wandering around in his bathrobe muttering something about "the horror."
SUPERMAN
So nothing here exploded?
STEVE
Just the real estate market. If your dad had bought you a condo in Krypton City instead of a spaceship....
SUPERMAN
I know, I know. Don't remind me.
STEVE
So what were you doing on Earth?
SUPERMAN
Oh, defeating supervillains, reversing the spin of the planet on its axis to turn back time, that sort of thing.
STEVE
Seriously?
SUPERMAN
Oh yeah, I'm kind of a big deal on Earth.
STEVE
How did you manage that?
SUPERMAN
Check this out: On earth Kryptonians have super-powers.
STEVE
No shit?
SUPERMAN
No shit.
STEVE
Like what?
SUPERMAN
Try flight, for starters. That's how I got here. Well, I had to take a bus the last few million miles because of the red sun....
STEVE
The red sun interferes with your powers?
SUPERMAN
Well, I get my powers from a yellow sun.
STEVE
Any yellow sun?
SUPERMAN
Pretty much.
STEVE
And there have got to be...
SUPERMAN
Millions of them, yeah.
STEVE
So if I had been born on basically any other planet than Krypton...?
SUPERMAN
You'd have super-powers, right. Ironic, isn't it? We were born on the one planet where our super-powers don't work.
STEVE
Man, we got screwed.
SUPERMAN
That's not the half of it. You know those green crystals that are all over this place?
STEVE
Death Rock, you mean?
SUPERMAN
Yeah, Death Rock. Believe it or not, Krypton is the only place in the galaxy that has it. The only way those chumps on earth have a chance against me is if they somehow get their hands on some of that stuff. They call it "kryptonite." Speaking of which, if Krypton didn't explode, where are those kryptonite meteors coming from?
STEVE
Oh man, Krypton's scientists have been shooting Death Rock at Earth by the ton. Trying to get rid of it, you know. I don't think they knew you were there.
SUPERMAN
I should hope not.
STEVE
So what other powers do you have?
SUPERMAN
See that building over there?
STEVE
Don't tell me you could leap over that building.
SUPERMAN
I could pick that building up and throw it into the sun.
STEVE
No freaking way.
SUPERMAN
I'm dead serious. Bullets bounce right off of me. I can see through anything except lead. Oh and I can make laser beams shoot from my eyes. Anyway, enough about me. What have you been up to?
STEVE
Well, I got laid off from my job as a Phantom Zone guard, so lately I've been reassessing things. I've got an application in for a job removing Death Rock insulation from old buildings.
SUPERMAN
Wow. Sounds like you've really, ah, done well for yourself.
STEVE
If I get the job, I could put in a good word for you.
SUPERMAN
Nah, that's ok. Actually, I've got a bus to catch.
STEVE
But you just got here. I thought you were going to see Jor-El.
SUPERMAN
I just remembered something I need to take care of.
STEVE
Really? What?
SUPERMAN
Well, I should probably check to see if they need me on Earth. September 10, 2001 was a long time ago. I have high hopes for the Bush administration to make some real progress toward world peace.
STEVE
Hmmm...
SUPERMAN
Oh, I also meant to cash in my Enron stock before I left. I should get back before the market peaks.
STEVE
Ok, well come back soon and let me know how it goes.
SUPERMAN
I'll sure try. You know how hard it is to get away from the yellow sun.
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Labels: Movies, Superheroes
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