The whole avenging crusader bit? Sign me up. The mild mannered paper shuffler turned nocturnal ass-kicker bit? Oh yeah. The normal-guy-gets-bitten-by-a-radioactive- mongoose-and-acquires-superhuman-mongoose-related-abilities bit? Oh hell yes. I eat it up, all of it.
One thing I don't understand though is why there is such a limited variety of superhuman abilities. Sure, there are different configurations, but it's like these superheroes are all ordering from the same menu: "I'll take flight, superhuman strength, and a side of adamantium claws." The only difference between the Hulk and the Thing is a quarter turn on the color wheel. And the only difference between Spider-man and Daredevil is that Spiderman can tell which one is the Thing without feeling him up.Take the show Heroes, for example. There's a guy who can fly, a guy who can see the future, a chick who's indestructible, etc. Ho-hum. I'd like to see some more practical abilities. Like how about a guy who can tell exactly what ingredients are in any food that he eats. How amazing would that be? "Sorry, Colonel, but your obfuscation is no match for SuperTaster. I will now reveal to the world all eleven herbs and spices!" Or how about a guy who can fall asleep at will during lousy romantic comedies and then wake up precisely when the ending credits start. Think of the pleasant dreams you could have substituted for Failure to Launch. "How did you like the movie, sweetie?" "Oh, it was fantastic! I especially liked the part where robots ate Margaret Thatcher's face."
My wife is a good example of someone with underrated superhuman abilities. One of her powers is the ability to fit an infinite number of dishes into a dishwasher. Have you ever had too many dishes to fit into your dishwasher? Well bring 'em to my house, because I guarantee my wife can find room for them somewhere between the potato peeler and the ice cream scoop. I don't know how she does it; I think maybe a wormhole is involved.
Another of her abilities is knowing exactly what I'm going to say ten minutes from now. Apropos of nothing she'll say, "Ok, go ahead and say it." And I'll sit there dimly wondering what she's talking about for ten minutes and then I'll say something that I think is really clever, and she'll say, "Geez, it took you long enough."
Her greatest power, however, is the ability to know where everything in our house is, no matter how insignificant it is or how long it's been since she's seen it. "Honey," I'll say, "Have you seen that gummy bear that I had stuck to my face last Christmas?" And she'll say, "It's on the second shelf in the pantry, behind the Ritz crackers."
Now that's a freak.
Labels: Superheroes, TV
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