A few weeks ago my family took a road trip from our home in northern California to a resort in Colorado for a family reunion for my mom's side of the family (count the prepositional phrases in that sentence and win a puppy!). I informed a friend about the upcoming trip, adding that my mom's family was "crazy big." She responded, "You mean they're crazy? Or they're really tall? Or the family is really big?"I replied, "Yes."
She thought for a second, and then said, "So it's like a Special Olympics basketball camp?"
Which is an uncanny description of what these reunions are actually like. Except there's no basketball.
To get to Colorado from northern California you have to go through Nevada, Utah, and Wyoming. The kids loved the scenery: the cacti, the rocky cliffs, the desert plateaus.... And that crazy coyote! Man, they must have watched that DVD like 16 times.
Look, I'm sorry. California is beautiful, and Colorado is pretty cool, but I can't figure out why God stuck all that dirt in between them. Nevada has its attractions, but they're mostly immoral, and frankly too expensive. Utah is what Nevada would be if it were run by Mormons. And Wyoming is what Utah would be if all the Mormons left.
I have to say, though, that they all have better roads than California. If you've ever driven into California on I-80 you know what I'm talking about. You'll be zipping along toward Tahoe, exhilarating in the sight of mountains and redwoods after 16 hours of scrub-covered sand, and it occurs to you that you should slow down and get into the right lane so you can take it all in. But then you realize that there's like an 18 inch altitude differential between lanes, and that it's going to take every ounce of skill and concentration that you possess not to end up in the Truckee River. Potholes start flying at you like asteroids at the Milennium Falcon, and woodland creatures dart in front of you like furry little suicide bombers. All the while, insane California drivers are flying past at ridiculous speeds, usually while talking on a cell phone, drinking a latte, and knitting a poncho from hemp fibers. By the time you get to Sacramento, you need to check yourself into a facility to be treated for PTSD.
Utah, on the other hand, has fantastic roads. There were crews of Mormons resurfacing highways in Utah that looked like they were still wet from the last time they were resurfaced. (The highways, that is, not the Mormons.) The roads had so many layers of fresh asphalt that the locals gave directions by saying, "First, get on top of the road...." And these are highways that are built over the salt flats, which are used for by auto manufacturers to test cars. That's right, they are resurfacing roads that are built on top of the world's largest parking lot. I don't know why they don't just send a guy out to run across the desert with a can of spray paint so they can spend their highway funds on booze and cigarettes.
Oh well, I guess we all have our own vices. I wish California's biggest fault was asphalt.]]>