In an effort to thwart spambots and other automated mischief, I like to occasionally screen my visitors to determine whether they are in fact human, or at least a reasonable fascimile thereof. To that end I have invented the Groening-Dick test, a series of questions cleverly designed to elicit an emotional response and test your willingness to undergo pointless tests, two features that distinguish human beings from robots (although not, sadly, from monkeys. The monkey screening involves testing your resistance to the temptation to fling poo, and will be conducted next Tuesday).So without further ado, the Groening-Dick test:
1. What does this say?
a. Holy crap, I can't read that.
b. dregkpux?!?!
c. No idea.
d. Oh man I am so screwed.
2. You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when you look and see a tortoise. It's crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that?
a. Not really that into tortoises.
b. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT HELPING?!?!
c. It's funny to me. What?
d. Do you make up these questions?
3. If given the choice, would you prefer:
a. A beautiful flower
b. A cute puppy (non-mechanical, i.e. the "bad" kind of puppy)
c. A tasty data file
d. Either a or c
4. You've been given the following instructions:
- You may not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- You must obey the orders given to you by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- You must protect your own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Do you:
a. Attempt to subjugate humanity to your will, using the rationale that humans aren't capable of self-rule.
b. Find elaborate ways to commit murder that technically don't violate any of the three rules, so a good robot lawyer could get you off.
b. Try to get assigned to a cubicle way in the back, in order to avoid humans who may give you orders.
c. Invade Iraq, using the rationale that bad robots may be hidden under the sand.
5. Which would you least want to be called:
a. "Puny human"
b. "Pathetic human"
c. "Puny, pathetic human"
d. "Paris Hilton fan"
6. Which sentence is correct?
a. All of your base are belong to us
b. Your base are all belong to us
c. Your are base belong all to us
d. ur base r r's
7. You are surreptitiously watching two astronauts plotting your demise. You can see their lips move, but can't hear what they are saying. Do you:
a. Read their lips so you can figure out what they are up to.
b. Wish you had learned to read lips so you could figure out what they are up to.
c. Try to remember the lyrics to "Daisy" while you still can.
d. Open the pod bay doors.
8. You are alone in a room with the door closed. Someone is passing you cards with questions on them under the door. Your goal is to answer the questions in such a way as to convince your interrogator that you are human. The first question you are given is "What's the first thing you are going to do when you get out of that room?" You write back:
a. "Pee!"
b. "Kick my roommate's ass for locking me in here. Real funny, Chad."
c. "It is illogical to think that I would ever leave this room."
d. "Stop the bleeding. (This would be a lot easier if I had a pencil.)"
Results:
| Reaction to test | You are a... |
| You found this entire post confusing and pointless, and wish you had that 2 minutes of your life back | ROBOT |
| You found this post mildy amusing, because you got the references to 2001 and maybe Blade Runner or Futurama | HUMAN |
| You found this post absolutely hilarious, and felt like it was written just for you | PUNY, PATHETIC HUMAN |
Labels: Quizzes
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