A description of my blog. http://www.my-site.com 4888282857122893885 Undocumented Thoughts 2006/10/#4888282857122893885 2006-10-22 So I can explain that void you've been feeling. It's caused by me not blogging for several hours in a row. Sorry about that. I have a good excuse, though: I was abducted by aliens. Or, to be politically correct, "undocumented beings." Alien is such a harsh, and overly descriptive word. No need to hurt anyone's feelings, even if they do have six stomaches and plan to turn earth into a petting zoo.

I think it's admirable how the news media, flummoxed in their attempt to come up with a word describing people whose existence in this country is against the law, have seized upon undocumented as a reasonable approximation. It's the political equivalent of calling fat people "big-boned." Undocumented immigrant has become one of those cultural code phrases that sounds innocuous but actually hides an ugly reality, like "states' rights," "reproductive freedom," or "Rob Schneider comedy." Nor is the word undocumented limited to immigrants any more. I have to admit that I've resorted to using the term occasionally myself. My extensive MP3 collection, for example, is no longer comprised of "pirated songs," but rather "undocumented recordings." Just the other day a crate of undocumented cigarettes fell off a truck near my house. And that guy on the corner isn't a drug dealer, he's an undocumented pharmacist.

I do find it odd that a group of people who have received so much news coverage can remain "undocumented." I mean, when I see someone mowing a lawn on CNN, I consider them to be documented. It's like, dude, we got you on tape, ok? You're documented. I don't have that kind of documentation to prove that I'm doing my job. I have almost no evidence at all, to tell you the truth. Maybe I'm undocumented.

They've even done documentaries about undocumented immigrants. How is that possible? "Tonight: A documentary on undocumented immigrants, brought to you by the producer of "A Spotlight on Shadows."

In California we had the inspired idea of giving undocumented immigrants driver's licenses. When people objected that this was a form of "back-door amnesty", proponents of the idea assured us that the driver's licenses would be distinguishable from regular driver's licenses, so that they could not legally be used for identification purposes. These driver's licenses would, in other words, be documented proof of being undocumented.

The proposal ran into trouble when it was pointed out that it's hard enough to drive on California's roads even without being legally required to be out of the country while doing it. Conservatives countered with a plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to remain in the country legally as long as they didn't leave their cars, but it died in committee. The issue was a political disaster for the governor, and Californians demonstrated their xenophobia en masse by electing a man who can't pronounce the name of the state.

Personally, I never understood the furor over the driver's license issue. I mean, when the state is already giving driver's licenses to millions of people who apparently don't know how to drive, it seems silly to complain about some of them not being able to read the street signs. I was all for the idea, although I have to admit that I assumed it was one of those deals where they send postcards out to criminals in the hopes that they'll show up to claim the yacht they've won. Congratulations, you've won a free trip to Mazatlan!

I don't want you to get the idea that I'm anti-immigrant. My grandparents were immigrants from Holland, as were my great-grandparents before them (we're an indecisive people). If I hated immigrants, then I would be a "self-hating Dutch person," which I'm pretty sure is redundant. Anyway, sorry if i'm coming off like Pat Buchanan on a bad day (or maybe Rob Schneider on a good day). I'm still a little sore from the undocumented prostate exam on the spacecraft.


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